The cowpoke at the dude ranch was getting the crowd to pick the type horse they wanted.
“For those seasoned riders, we have fast horses. For you novice riders, we have slow horses.”
A city slicker spoke out, “What if you’ve never ridden a horse?”
The cowpoke said, “Great. For you who have never ridden, we have horses that have never been ridden, as well.”
One Liner
Love thy neighbor sell thy drums.
DOG’S NOTES TO SELF
~ I will not steal my mom’s underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
~ The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad’s laps.
~ My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
~ I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for mom’s driver’s license and car registration.
~ I will not play tug-of-war with dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
~ I will not use “roll around in the dirt” as an option just after getting a bath.
~ Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
~ I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
~ The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn’t mean it is cleaner.
~ The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.
One Liner
I learned today why Corrie Ten Boom changed her name. She got tired of introducing herself as Corrie Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom.
A guy shows up late for work.
The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!”
He replies, “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
One LIner
As you get older, you’ve got to stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, “Wow, that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years.”
A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem.
That night the pastor’s phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, “Pastor, I can’t sleep.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that,” he comforted her. “But what can I do about it?” the pastor asked.
She sweetly replied, “Preach to me a while, pastor.”
One Liner
Anyone who doesn’t know what shampoo tastes like has never bathed a dog.
THE TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE
* Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
* Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
* Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses–Exodus 2:16-21)
* Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz–Ruth 4:5-10)
* Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites–Judges 21:19-25)
* Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. (Adam–Genesis 2:19-24)
* Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob–Genesis 29:15-30)
* Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David–1 Samuel 18:27)
* Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (Cain–Genesis 4:16-17)
* Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus–Esther 2:3-4)
* When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a … woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.”
(Samson–Judges 14:1-3)
* Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). (David–2 Samuel 11)
* Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) (Onana and Boaz–Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
* Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon–1 Kings 11:1-3)
* A wife?…NOT? (Paul–1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
One Liner
A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
“Hey Willis!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon up.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”
“Awe, come on,” the farmer insisted.
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish !” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”
“Under the wagon.”
One Liner
Cleaning house with children at home is a lot like snow blowing during a blizzard.
We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.
“Finally!” I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house. “I’ve been waiting twelve years for this!”
“Don’t blame me, lady,” he said. “I just got the order this morning.”
One Liner
Go out there and be the surprise onion ring in someone’s french fries today.
mikeshumor 