Psalm 28:1
All posts by mikeshumor
humor pic of the week
Humor – May 16
A scientist goes out to research the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out the rats in the deep jungles of Borneo.
Suddenly, in the distance, they hear tribal drums. The guide announces, “I don’t like the sound of those drums.”
As they trek onward the drums get louder and louder until they sound quite close indeed. The guide says, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums!”
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out,
“Hey man, he’s not our regular drummer!”
One Liner
Just because you’re smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Humor – May 15
A snail hitched a ride with a friendly turtle. As they reached an intersection another turtle came along and rammed into them!
A cop came and questioned the snail: “What happened here?”
The little snail replied, “I don’t know — it all happened so fast.”
One Liner
My favorite word is drool. It just rolls off the tongue.
Humor – May 14
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.
She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and ultimately I’m perfect!
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
One Liner
Not a single person asked if I could run fast in my new shoes today. Being an adult is stupid.
Humor – May 13
Pregnant with my third child, I was stricken with a bout of morning sickness and lay down on the living-room couch to rest. Just then one of the workmen who was doing repairs in my house walked by and gave me a curious look.
“Taking a little break,” I explained. “I’m in my first trimester.”
“Really?” he said. “What’s your major?”
One Liner
When people say, “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.” What good is a stupid cake you can’t eat? What, should I eat someone else’s cake instead??
Humor – May 12
My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.
“Hey Dad, announced Billy, “have you met the new neighbors?”
“No.”
“Come on Dad, you have to meet them.”
“Some other time; I’m busy.”
“Dad, you have to meet them now.”
From the urgency in Billy’s voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.
“Where are they?” I asked.
“Well, Dad,” he explained, “we haven’t met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!”
One Liner
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?
humor pic of the week
Humor – May 9
Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon. Can you help pay for a big wedding? I am presently in Australia and the boy I love lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on WhatsApp. He proposed to me on Zoom, and we’ve stayed in touch through Viber. Dad, can I count on you for a big wedding?
Your favorite daughter, Lilly
Dad’s response
My Dearest Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool! I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay!
Love, Dad
One Liner
I always say “Thank you” to Alexa so that when the machines take over they know I’m nice.
mikeshumor 