Edward was lying on his deathbed and the family was taking turns spending time with him. As he was speaking to his young granddaughter Emily, Edward suddenly smelled an all too familiar smell. Why it was his favorite – apple pie! His wife Sandy must have been baking it for him to enjoy this one last time. “Emily dear,” asked Edward. “Would you please go ask Grandma for a slice of that Apple Pie? It’s smells so delicious!” Emily ran off to fulfill her dying Grandfather’s last wish.

A moment later, Emily returned empty handed. “Where’s my pie?” questioned Edward. “Grandma said it’s not for now” responded Emily, “it’s for the funeral”.

One Liner
I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn. – C.E. Cowman

Thought for the day
“You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32 NLT)

Truth be told, you can’t even fathom your full potential. Only your Creator can. Only God, the one who made you, knows all you are capable of being. Your parents, your spouse, your friends, your boss — they only get a glimpse of your potential.

A young couple was going to be married. Sadly, before they were married they died in an accident. When they arrived in heaven St. Peter was there to greet them. The couple lamented to him the fact they had died before they could be married. They asked St. Peter, “Can we be married here in heaven?”

St. Peter said, “I’ve never had that request before. Let me think about it.”

A couple of months later St. Peter came back and said to the young couple, “Yes, you can be married. It’s taken me a couple of months to set things up, but you can be married.”

The young couple was further concerned and asked, “What would happen if we want to be divorced in heaven?”

St. Peter seemed to be angry and said, “What do you mean a divorce! It took me two months to find a minister. How long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer?!?”

One Liner
A biker rally is a really bad time for your car horn to stick.

Thought for the day
Every choice we make has eternal consequences, so we need to choose wisely: “Since everything around us is going to melt away, what holy, godly lives you should be living!” (2 Peter 3:11 LB). As believers, we should be defined by godly, loving commitments. If we want to become more like Jesus, then we need to commit to the same things he did.

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

One Liner
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? – Phyllis Diller

Thought for the day
“Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12 NIV).

“Forgive us our debts.” No one is perfect, all of us sin, all of us have gone down a wrong path, made wrong choices, and, as a result, we live with guilt. We’ve disappointed ourselves, and we know we’ve disappointed God.

An elderly man who lived alone in Idaho…..wanted to till his sizable potato garden, ….but it was backbreaking work, …..and his son, …..who used to help him, …..was recently sent to jail.

The old man mentioned this ….in a letter he sent to his son,…..He wrote:… “I’m not sure exactly what to do…… I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot…….It looks like I won’t be able to plant that garden this year after all.”

A few days later, he received a short note from his son, “Dad, For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden …..that’s where We buried the loot ….from the heist!”

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a crew of police officers, arrived to find the stolen property.

After digging for hours, …..they gave up …..apologized to the old man …. and left.

A few days later the elderly gentleman received another letter from his son….. “Dear Dad, under these circumstances, that’s the best I can do, …. You should be able to plant your potatoes now.” (Pause)

One Liner
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.

Thought for the day
“You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, ‘In just a very little while, he who is coming will come and will not delay.'” (Hebrews 10:36-37 NIV)

If you’re discouraged because of God’s delay in answering your prayers, understand the delay is not a denial. Just because the answer hasn’t come yet doesn’t mean God isn’t going to answer or that he’s forgotten you or that he doesn’t care about you.

It simply means “not yet”!

Who says today’s kids aren’t smart? At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let 3 goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats..1-2-4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

One Liner
To be sure of always hitting the target: Shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target.

Thought of the day
You need to accept God’s Word as your authority. Why? Because it is the only source that will never lie to you. If you’re going to be a man or woman of courage, you need to build your life on the rock that never changes, not on popular opinion. Build your life on the understanding that “God said it, I believe it, and that settles it — whether I understand it or not.” Hebrews 6:18 says, “God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us” (NLT).

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly.

“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

One Liner
“Insanity is hereditary: you get it from your kids.”

Thought for the day
The Bible says that when we are finally able to see Jesus perfectly, we will become perfectly like him: “We can’t even imagine what we will be like when Christ returns. But we do know that when he comes we will be like him, for we will see him as he really is” (1 John 3:2 NLT).

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer. “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?”

The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

“What was that?” the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”

The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”

One Liner
Sign in a barber shop: All of our customers make us happy: some by arriving, some by leaving.

Thought for the day
“Our love for each other proves that we have gone from death to life.” (1 John 3:14 CEV)

If I have no love for others, no desire to serve others, and I’m only concerned about my needs, I should question whether Christ is really in my life. A saved heart is one that wants to serve.

Calling For Tech Support?
(sound familiar?)

Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…. Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…Ring…

Automated Answer:

“Thank you for calling Technical Support.

“All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician.

“The waiting time is now estimated at between 15 minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind.

“Do that now.”

One Liner
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Thought for the day
“I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds” (John 12:24 NIV).

The problem is we tend to get impatient, so we dig up the seed to check the progress of its growth, and that slows down our growth! If you’re not seeing as much fruit as you’d like, don’t despair. Growth takes time.