Ten Things A Cat Thinks About

Have you ever wondered what your furry feline was thinking about? Well wonder no more!

1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ulterior motives?
5. Hmmm… If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey — no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. Why does God allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let them know who’s boss!

One Liner
Do NOT argue with a spouse who’s packing your parachute.

Thought for the day
“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?’ And I said, ‘Here am I. Send me!’” (Isaiah 6:8 NIV)

Prior to God taking the initiative to cleanse Isaiah, the prophet felt overwhelmed and unprepared for any mission on God’s behalf.

After the cleansing, Isaiah is energized with a desire to serve God.

If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, God has done the work of preparing you for whatever task he will ask of you.

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” Says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”

One Liner
I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.

Thought for the day
“Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what the nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires ….” Romans 8:5-6 (NIV)

There is a battle going on inside you between your old, sinful nature and your new nature that comes from Christ. If you want to win this battle, you’re going to have to change the way you think.

Why? The way you think determines the way you feel, and the way you feel determines the way you act. If you act depressed, it’s because you feel depressed. And if you feel depressed, it’s because you’re thinking depressing thoughts. If you want to get out of that depression, or whatever issue you’re struggling with, you need to ask the Holy Spirit to give you better thoughts.

Satan gives you thoughts – they are temptation. And God gives you thoughts – they are inspiration. Which are you going to choose? Romans 8:6 says, “The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace” (NIV).

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ‘I’ in the word ‘marriage.'”

The wife said, “For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”

One Liner

Bad spellers of the world, untie!

Thought for the day
The Bible says, “When you meet together, one person has a song, and another has a teaching. Another has a new truth from God. Another speaks in a different language …. The purpose of all these things should be to help the church grow ….” (1 Corinthians 14:26, NCV). Everybody should bring what they are good at to the table, because no one person is good at everything.

TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don’t want to see what’s on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populpted there would have to be someone to bear them, because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As “Keeper of the Garden” Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone.” He only ends up getting himself in trouble.

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head and said, “I can do better than that.”

One Liner
My son is an honor student at the state correctional facility.

The Student Mind During Final Exams

Contents of The Student Mind During Final Exams

10% The prof. never covered this section!

10% Actual knowledge on the subject.

10% The Teaching Assistant is kinda cute!

10% I knew I should have read the book!

10% Soon this will all be behind me!

10% I hope the curve is really low!

10% PANIC ZONE!

10% Prayers for a flood, fire, tornado, hurricane, earthquake, etc…

10% Eeny, meeny, miny moe…

10% Summer break!

One Liner
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller

Thought for the day
God is not the author of confusion” (1 Corinthians 14:33 NIV). So you wait and remain patient until you sense God’s peace.

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell ‘before.’

He stands up and says, “Before, B-E-P-H-O-R.”

The teacher says, “No, that’s wrong. Can anyone else spell before?”

Another little boy stands up and says, “Before, B-E-F-O-O-R.”

Again the teacher says, “No, that’s wrong.” The teacher asks, “Little Johnny, can you spell ‘before’?”

Little Johnny stands up and says, “Before, B-E-F-O-R-E.”

“Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?”

Little Johnny says, “That’s easy. Two plus two be fore.”

One Liner
“Pick your friends, but not to pieces.”

Thought for the day
2 Corinthians 5:20b is rendered: “Become friends with God; he’s already a friend with you.” That’s the message we’re to take to the world, yet often we limit our influence by seeking and maintaining friendships exclusively among other believers.

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t care one way or the other.

One Liner
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Thought for the day
The Apostle Paul encourages us to find common ground with non-believers: “I do this to get the Gospel to them and also for the blessing I myself receive when I see them come to Christ” (1 Corinthians 9:22-23 LB). Finding common ground is an act of friendship; it guides us to look for the positive instead of the negative in those outside the faith.

AMPHIBIOUS INVASION

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, “What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?”

Expecting to see “the D-Day invasion” as the answer, I found instead on one paper, “Moses and the plague of frogs.”

One Liner
A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.

Thought for the day
Love people, not their values. God loves people (John 3:16), but that doesn’t mean he loves the values of the world. The Apostle John warns us not to “love the world’s ways. Don’t love the world’s goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father” (1 John 2:15 MSG).