An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer.

“As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say ‘$75.’

If his eyes don’t flutter, say, ‘For the frames. The lenses will be $50.’

If his eyes still don’t flutter, you add ‘Each.'”

One Liner
“Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time – I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

Thought for the day
The Spirit of God uses the Word of God to make us like the Son of God. To become like Jesus, we must fill our lives with his Word. The Bible says, “Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us” (2 Timothy 3:17 MSG).

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked,

“To draw out all his savings?”

One Liner
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Thought for the day
Job said, “I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread” (Job 23:12 NIV). God’s Word is the spiritual nourishment you must have to fulfill your purpose.

A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise and took his shotgun downstairs.

Upon finding the burglar he aimed his gun and said gently,

“Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot.”

One Liner
No one is listening, until you make a mistake.

Thought for the day
God’s Word is unlike any other word. It is alive. Jesus said, “The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and are life” (John 6:63 NASB).

My boss phoned me today

He said, “Is everything okay at the office?”

I said, “Yes, it’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day, I haven’t stopped for a minute.”

“Can you do me a favor?” he asked

I said, “Of course, anything, what is it?”

He said, “Hurry up and take your shot, I’m right behind you on the 7th hole.”

One Liner
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Thought for the day
“God does speak—sometimes one way and sometimes another—even though people may not understand it.” (Job 33:14 NCV)

God designed you to hear his voice. In a sense, there is a “receiver” in you that allows you to get guidance from God.

While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed so the woman said, “That’s OK, it’s in coupon heaven now.”

“Coupon heaven?” the checker said.

“Yes,” the woman said, “That’s where coupons go when they die.”

“Only the redeemed ones!” said the checker.

One Liner
I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.

Thought for the day
The Bible teaches us that we are blessed not just so that we can feel good, not just so we can be happy and comfortable, but so that we will bless others. God told Abraham in Genesis 12:2, “I will bless you … and you will be a blessing” (NIV). This is the first law of blessing: It must flow outwardly. God promises that if we will concentrate on blessing others, he’ll take care of our needs.

Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can see why Americans have not adopted it:

A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

One Liner
I’ve learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.

Thought for the day
The world is so negative that the last thing kids need when they come home is more negativity. Colossians 3:21 says, “Do not nag your children. If you are too hard to please, they may want to stop trying” (NCV).