CHURCH SIGN

A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.

The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.

The sign came back a few days later… “Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide.”

One LINER
Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.

Thought for the day
“But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out there tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!” 2 Chronicles 20:17 (NLT)

What God tells Jehoshaphat in this passage, and what he would remind us today, is this: “The battle is not yours; it’s mine. You don’t have to fight in it.”

In other words, it’s God’s problem. Let him solve it.

Top Ten Gifts Your Wife Doesn’t Want For Christmas

10. A car wash kit

9. A table saw

8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City’s Home Theatre Installation Seminar

7. A case of oil

6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated

5. Custom engraved bowling ball

4. New outboard motor for fishing boat

3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD

2. New satellite dish with sports package

1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic

Thought for the day
When the angel appeared to Joseph in a dream, he told Joseph, “Do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit” (Matthew 1:20 NIV). So that’s what Joseph did. “When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife” (Matthew 1:24 NIV). He didn’t hesitate, he just did it.

There is a refreshing immediacy to Joseph’s relationship with God. When God said it, Joseph did it.

Christmas gift suggestions:

To your enemy, forgiveness.

To an opponent, tolerance.

To a friend, your heart.

To a customer, service.

To all, charity.

To every child, a good example.

To yourself, respect.

To Jesus, all.

One Liner
“I live every day trying to not disappoint the guy who wrote “stay cool” in my jr. high school yearbook.”

Thought for the day
Ask Yourself: “Why would God go to the trouble of sending His Son all the way to earth to endure the life He lived and die the death He died–if all we had to do to get to Heaven was ‘be good?'” He sure went to a lot of trouble for nothing. Either that, or we’re missing the point. – Joe McKeever

Adam, a bright-eyed 3-year-old, had been told of his German heritage. After church in early December, I asked him if he had a part in the Sunday school Christmas pageant.

“Yes,” he replied, his eyes filling with joy. “I am going to be a German shepherd!”

One Liner
“A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.”

Thought for the day
The Bible says: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9 NIV).In other words, you can’t earn your way to heaven. You can’t work your way in. It’s just a gift.

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

“What Denomination?” Asked the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman.

“Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.

One Liner
No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.

Thought for the day
The Bible says, “Now that we have been put right with God through faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ” (Romans 5:1 TEV).You need to make peace with God. Have you done that? If you haven’t, you’d better, because one day you will have to face him.

Children’s Christmas Carols

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You’ll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

One Liner
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Thought for the day
“Jesus told him, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.’” (John 14:6 NLT)

Truth is not a principle. Truth is a person: Jesus Christ.

A SIGN OF THE TIMES

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my email??!!”

One Liner
December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

Thought for the day
Jesus tells us in Mark 8:35, “Only those who give away their lives for my sake and for the sake of the Good News will ever know what it means to really live” (TLB). God wired you in a way that you’ll never be happy unless you’re giving your life away in his work. You were made for something greater than yourself.

Musical instrument + Reindeer = Organ Donner

Really quiet + Armed crusader = Silent Knight

Snow + Frankenstein = Snowball Fright

Reindeer + Cow = Sleigh Bulls

Rope + December 24th = The Knot Before Christmas

Christmas carols + A dozen flowers = The 12 daisies of Christmas

Christmas carol + Money = Jingle Bills

The 25th of December + A girl’s name = A Christmas Carol

Telling Santa your wishes + Computer = Santa’s Laptop

Snowfall + Chinese cooking = Shovel the wok

One Liner
Never offend people with style if you can offend them with substance.

Thought for the day
God’s plan of action is summed up in the Great Commission: “Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:19-20 NLT).

Did you know that according to the song, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”, Santa has twelve reindeer?

Sure, in the introduction it goes “There’s Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen…” That makes eight reindeer.

Then there’s Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine.

Then there’s Olive. You know, “Olive the other reindeer used to laugh…” That makes ten.

The eleventh is Howe. You know, “Then Howe the reindeer loved him…” Eleven reindeer.

Oh, and number 12? That’s Andy! “Andy shouted out with glee.”

The proof is in the song!

One Liner
Never order barbecue in a restaurant where all the chairs match.

Thought for the day
We can have courage as we tell others about Jesus because the Holy Spirit is working through us. It doesn’t matter how well we talk or how educated we are because God inhabits our abilities: “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus” (Acts 4:13 NIV).