THE TWELVE THANK-YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS

Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. 
Your deeply loving Emily

Dec 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write.  I’m so touched and grateful! With undying love, as always, Emily

Dec 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Whoever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It’s a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we’ll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they’re lovely. 
Your devoted Emily

Dec 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning.  They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly–they make telephoning almost impossible–but I expect they’ll calm down when they get used to their new home.  Anyway, I’m very grateful, of course, I am. 
Love from Emily

Dec 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I’m afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to “wring” their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she’s only joking, I think, but I do know what she means.  Still, I love the rings. 
Bless you, Emily

Dec 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn’t six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they’ve already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let’s call a halt, shall we? 
Love,  Emily

Dec 31
Edward, 
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I’d rather not think what’s happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! 
Your Emily

Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of joke? If so, I’m afraid I don’t find it very amusing. 
Emily

Jan 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough. You say you’re sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they’re certainly not ladies. The village just isn’t accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it’s Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once! 
Emily

Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it.  And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile, the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again. 
Emily

Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you’re satisfied. 

Jan 5
Sir, 
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much-assorted livestock. 
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G.  Creep
Attorney at law

One Liner

Wife to husband: “This Christmas let’s give each other sensible gifts like ties and fur coats.” 

Toy store customer: “That’s a terrific train set. I’ll buy it.”

Clerk: “Great, I’m sure your kids will love it!”

Customer: “Maybe you’re right. I’ll take two.”

One Liner

Two absolutely predictable events strangely hit many people totally unforeseen: Christmas and old age.

An old country preacher needed to have a sign made that would tell the people passing on the freeway about The Wonder of Christmas. He lived quite a ways out of town and did not have access to any of the modern conveniences of phone or email, in fact, he only was able to send quick messages via Telegraph from the local General store.

Since telegraphs charge by the letter, he tried to make his message succinct so that the sign builder would know exactly what he wanted, but without wasting extra characters. He rushed down to the General Store and sent his message off.

This story picks up at the sign-making company and the poor clerk who received the telegraph message. As the message printed out she gasped, and fainted. The message that she read, “Unto us a child is born 6 ft long and 3 ft wide.”

One Liner

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house.

WHY WE WOULD LOVE TO BE SANTA CLAUS

> You could grow a massive gut and consider it a job requirement.

> Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren’t.

> You’d never be asked to take an early retirement package.

> There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty “Ho! Ho! Ho!” would remind everyone who’s boss.

> No one would dare ask for a ride to work.

> No more trips to the vending machine…you’d just snack on milk and cookies all day.

> Age discrimination wouldn’t be an issue.

> Your co-workers would be on notice that they’d better not pout.

> You’d never be expected to make the coffee.

> One big black belt – accessorized for life!

> Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.

> You’d never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.

One Liner

To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas, they’re due back at the library next Friday.

It was the day after Christmas at a church. the pastor was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.

Immediately, the pastor turned toward the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

The pastor walked up to Jimmy and said, “Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?”

Jimmy replied, “I got him from the church.”

“And why did you take him?”

With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, “Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.”

One Liner

Lord, I need money to organize your birthday.

As a student driver in New York City, I was taking the road test for my driver’s license. When someone cut me off, I held my temper so I wouldn’t look out of control. “You have a lot to learn,” said the inspector.

At a red light, the car behind tapped my bumper. I remained calm while the inspector shook his head. When the light turned, I accelerated, but the car behind sped up and cut me off. That did it! I hit the horn as hard as I could.

The inspector turned to me, smiled and said, “Now you’re getting the hang of it.”

One Liner

Last night our wifi stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.