A father decided it was time to have “the talk” with his ten-year-old son.  Sitting the boy down, he thought it best to first find out what his son might already know. So he asked his son if he knew about “the birds and the bees”.

“I don’t want to know,” his son replied, bursting into tears. “Promise you won’t tell me.  Please!”

Confused by this reaction, the father asked his son what was wrong. 

“Oh dad”, the boy replied, in between sobs, “when I was six, I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech.  When I was eight, you hit me with ‘there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. If you are going to tell me now there’s no such things as birds and bees I don’t know what I will do!”

One Liner

If a tree falls in a forest and no one’s there to see it, a chihuahua 500 miles away will bark at it.

A woman was having a medical problem – her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her “suffering.”

“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $18000 down, and payments of $3000 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.”

“Wow!” the woman exclaimed, “sounds like leasing a new sports car!”

“Hmmm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?”

One Liner

I don’t have a train of thought. I have seven trains on four tracks that narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross and all the conductors scream at each other.

An emergency call: “Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!”

Operator: “Where?”

Caller: “No, a regular one!”

One Liner

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

DEFINITION OF OUTDOOR BARBECUING

When a man volunteers to do barbecue cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store. 

2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a cold beverage. 

4) The man places the meat on the grill. 

5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. 

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 

10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

One Liner

When people check behind shower curtains for murderers, what’s the plan if they find one?

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said “Acts 2:38,” and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn’t move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood. “What did you say to him that kept him from moving?” they asked the woman. She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. “Why did the woman’s quoting scripture scare you so much?” they asked.

“Scripture?” said the burglar, “I thought she said she had an ax and two 38’s!”

One Liner

The cable guy was in our neighborhood today and asked me what time it was. I replied, “Between 8 am and 1 pm.”

An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company’s junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer:  “Don’t attempt these task-organizing tips at home,” he said. 

“Why not?” he was asked. 

“Well, I did a study of my wife’s routine of fixing breakfast,” he replied, a little embarrassed. “I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, ‘Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.'” 

He paused.

“Did that save time?” one of the executives asked. 

“Actually, yes,” the expert answered, “It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I make my own in seven minutes.”

One Liner

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” 

“98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.”

“So you’re 96?” the undertaker asked. 

She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

One Liner

Broken barometer for sale. No pressure.