John: I wish I had the money to buy an elephant. 

Adam: What do you want with an elephant?

John: Nothing, I just want the money.

One Liner

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

The teacher heard one of her students, Johnny, use some off-color language and was shocked. 

“Johnny Martin, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not in school, not anywhere!  Where on earth did you learn that?” 

“I got it from my dad, Miss Rollins,” replied Johnny. 

“Well, your father should be ashamed. I doubt you even know what all that means?” 

“Oh Miss Rollins, I do,” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

One Liner

Based on the amount of laundry I do each week, I’m beginning to think there are people who live here that I haven’t met yet. 

TELL TALE SIGNS YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO AT WORK

– You’ve read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2025.

– You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

– You’ve definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.

– People come into your office frequently…to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

– The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

– You forward this joke to friends.

One Liner

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

A man went to his Accountant and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?” 

“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the Accountant. 

“Nope,” replied the man. 

“OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you,” said the Accountant. 

“But it’s only $500,” replied the man. 

“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!” 

One Liner

Whoever said “Out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear in the bedroom.

A little boy said he wanted a baby brother. His Dad smiled and suggested he pray for one.

The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but after a couple weeks with no baby brother, he didn’t bother to ask anymore.

A few months later Dad said Mom was in the hospital and had a surprise. When they got to the room, the little boy saw Mom holding two babies!

“Well, what do you think about having twin brothers?” Dad asked.

The little boy, in awe, said: “I’m glad I stopped praying when I did!”

One Liner

And yet again this morning, no one is standing next to my bed and saying, “Your Royal Highness, here is your coffee.”

Three ministers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one minister.

“No,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted, “the best prayin’ I ever did was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

One Liner

If husbands and wives took turns delivering babies, and if the husband went first, families would only have 2 children.

As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the patient’s wrists.

Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn’t eat bananas.

Imagine my surprise when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurse station demanding, “Who’s responsible for labeling my mother ‘bananas’?”

One Liner

They should announce a sequel to the movie Groundhog Day and just re-release the original.