Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was: “Don’t”.

“Don’t what?” Adam replied.

“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,” God said.

“Forbidden fruit?”

“We got forbidden fruit?”

“Hey, Eve…we got forbidden fruit!”

“No way!”

“Way!”

“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.

“Why?”

“Because I am your Father and I said so!” said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.

“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” the First Parent asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you?”

“I dunno” Eve answered.

“She started it!” Adam said.

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“DID NOT!!”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

One Liner

Children don’t actually sleep; they just recharge.

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

Forget calling them “Veal Parmigiana” or “Turkey Loaf” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

If you look in my freezer you’ll see “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” and, my favorite, “Food.”

That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I’m certain to have what he wants.”

One Liner

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. Oh, wait, sorry, bad punctuation. I meant, I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month.

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner.”

No one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off the corner!” Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

“Pretty good,” replied the veteran, “especially since this is a bus stop.”

One Liner

If you’re only as old as you feel, how am I still alive at 150?

Employer: “We need someone responsible for this job.”

Applicant: “Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.”

One Liner

I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

“What for?!” he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars for contempt of court – ten dollars for each word. That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”

One Liner

Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

She: When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles, and lighten your burden.

He: It’s very kind of you, darling. But I don’t have any worries or troubles.

She: Well, we aren’t married yet.

One Liner

If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.

A customer in a department store is offered a discounted suit by a salesperson. “But the arms and legs don’t match,” he says. “One arm and one leg is shorter than the other.”

“That’s why it’s such a bargain,” the salesperson replies. “But don’t worry, if you just raise your left shoulder, bend your left knee and walk like this, no one will notice.”

“Well…okay.”

The man then buys the suit; after putting in on in the changing room, he raises his left shoulder, bends his left knee, then proceeds to limp out of the store. As he walks down the street, two ladies notice him.

“Good Heavens,” the first lady says. “That poor man looks like he’s in a lot of pain!”

“Yes,” the second lady says. “But his suit certainly fits well.”

One Liner

It takes 2 years to learn to speak and 60 to learn to keep quiet.