KIDS SAY THE FUNNIEST THINGS

“Close the curtains,” requested a tot, sitting in a pool of bright light. “The sun’s looking at me too hard.”

Someone asked a youngster when he would turn 6. He replied, “When I’m tired of being 5.”

Seeing her first hailstorm, a 3-year-old exclaimed, “Mommy, it’s raining dumplings!”

As her gramma frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, the granddaughter observed, “Maybe he thinks you’re surrendering.”

When  a child heard that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, “You mean he has a mustache?”

While shampooing her son, 4, the mom noted his hair was growing so fast he’d soon need it cut. He replied, “Maybe we shouldn’t water it so much.”

When complimented on her vocabulary, the 5-year-old nonchalantly responded, “I have words in my head I haven’t even used yet.”

His mom informed Brian that she was going outside to get a little sun. “But Mommy,” he gulped, “You already have a little son — me!”

When a boy reported two look-alike classmates at school, his parents said they were probably twins. The next day, he came home all bubbly and said, “Guess what? They’re not only twins, they’re brothers!”

One Liner

A teen-aged girl with spiked hair, lip rings and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, “I don’t really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.”

A MESSAGE TO OUR PETS

Dear Dogs and Cats, 

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. 

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run. 

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. 

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Regards,
Your Owner

One Liner

What do people in China call their good plates?

Jimmy’s mother called out to him at seven in the morning, “Jimmy, get up! It’s time for school.”  

There was no answer. She called again, this time more loudly, “Jimmy get up! It’s time for school.”  

Once more there was no answer. Exasperated, she went to his room and shook him saying, “Jimmy, it’s time to get ready for school.”

He answered, “Mother, I’m not going to school. There are fifteen hundred kids at that school and every one of them hates me.  I’m not going to school.”

“Get to school!” she replied sharply.

“But, Mother, all the teachers hate me, too.  I saw three of them talking the other day and one of them was pointing his finger at me. I know they all hate me, so I’m not going to school,” Jimmy answered.

“Get to school NOW!” his mother demanded again.

“But, Mother, I don’t understand. Why would you want to put me through all of that torture and suffering?” he protested.

“Jimmy, for two good reasons,” she fired back.  “First, you’re forty-two years old. Second, you’re the principal.”

One Liner

I attempted being a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. 

Now that I am getting older, I have done my research on retirement. I have found that the average cost for a nursing home is $300.00 per day. I decided that there must be a better way to deal with getting old and feeble yet having my needs met. This is my recommendation:

I have found that I can get a nice room at the local Holiday Inn for $99.00 per day. That leaves $201.00 a day for food (brought directly to you by room service), laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. This cost includes use of a swimming pool, a lounge, a washer and dryer, and a business center with computers and a copy machine plus a free continental breakfast. They provide free shampoo and soap along with toothbrushes, toothpaste, and razors as required. I will have daily maid service and a free USA Today Monday through Friday. When I do decide to eat in the restaurant, I see different people every day, not the same old fogies that I would see in the dining room of a nursing home. If I join their frequent travelers “Priority Club,” I will soon accumulate enough points to get a DVD player or a free trip to Hawaii.

There may be a bit of a wait to get a first floor room, but that’s okay because most of the time it takes months to get into a decent nursing home. The Holiday Inn has a handicapped equipped bus (if you fake a good enough limp), access to a church bus, cabs, and even the regular bus. Occasionally, for a change for lunch or dinner, I can take the airport bus and eat in one of the restaurants there.

Holiday Inn has security at night and if someone sees you fall, they will call an ambulance that should arrive promptly in five to seven minutes, quicker than the time it would take to get medical help to you in a nursing home. They have 24/7 visiting hours. As a bonus, they offer senior discounts. What more can you ask for? 

My conclusion: When I reach those golden retirement years, please help me keep my grin. Just pack my bags and drop me off at our local Holiday Inn. 

One Liner

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

Teacher: “Missouri is the ‘Show ME’ state, Florida is the ‘Sunshine State’. Does any one know the motto of Washington D.C.?” 

Teacher: “No one? Does anyone wish to venture a guess?” 

5th grade student: “Is it the ‘Plausible Deniability’ state?”

One Liner

Dad: “Son, I named you after my father.”
After My Father: “I know, Dad, I know.”

A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years.

Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper’s attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.  

After awhile the sailor asks, “What are those three huts you have here?”  

“Well, that’s my house there.”  

“What’s that next hut?” asks the sailor.

“I built that hut to be my church.”

“What about the other hut?”

“Oh, that’s where I used to go to church.”

One Liner

Maybe parenting wasn’t easier a generation ago, but at least kids weren’t using their voice-activated robots to fact-check their parents.

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “DENVER BRONCOS.”

One Liner

If a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up…that’s a squat, right?

On a cold day in December, some years ago, a little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. 

A lady approached the young boy and said, “My, but you’re in such deep thought staring in that window.” 

“I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,” was the boy’s reply. 

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. 

She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel. 

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair on the boy’s feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. 

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, “No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.” 

As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her, “Are you God’s wife?”

One Liner

Nature never intended for us to pat ourselves on the back. If she had, our hinges would be different.