A professor gave a big exam to his students. When he collected the papers, one student had attached a $100 bill with a note saying: “A dollar per point.”
The next day the student got his test score and $64 change.
One Liner
Time-saving tip: Everything can be filed under Miscellaneous.
A little boy wanted $100 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and the government deducted $95 in taxes.
One Liner
Question: Have we tried exploding all of the food to see if it makes it better, or did we just stop with corn?
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”
The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
“Oh, OK!” said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
One Liner
Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, “Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side.”
Very quietly, the doctor said, “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?”
The doctor was holding the handle of the door. On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, “Did you notice my dog? He’s never been in this room before. He didn’t know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing…I know my Master is there and that is enough.”
One Liner
What your heart possesses, your life expresses.
YOU KNOW YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN
~ You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
~ You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
~ You just completed another sweater… and you don’t know how to knit!
~ You answer the door before people knock.
~ You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
~ You ski uphill.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
One Liner
A short nap once in a while can prevent old age… especially while driving.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A MOM WHEN…
1. You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
2. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. And your children are at school.
3. You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
4. You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
5. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you’ve reached over and started to cut up his steak.
One Liner
I can’t stand people who look down on people who look down on people.
Two friends were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town.
Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the guys said to the cashier, “Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are.”
The cashier leaned over the counter and said, “Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg.”
One Liner
Just saw where the CEO of IKEA was elected President of Sweden. Its the first time a president ever needed an allen wrench to assemble his cabinet.
mikeshumor 