The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. 

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. 

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. 

They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.” 

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 

“Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “Remember, this is your reward in Heaven.” 

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 

“What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man. 

“This is Heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free every day.” 

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages. 

“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.” 

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked. 

“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.   This is Heaven!” 

The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?” 

“Not unless you want to,” was the answer. 

“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…” 

“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.” 

The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago! 

One Liner

I want time to sit and read, take a nap, and snack. Basically, I want to be in kindergarten.

MISINTERPRETATIONS

~ When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say the Lord’s Prayer before going to bed.  As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, “Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses.” 

~ My son, who is in nursery school, said, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?” 

~ I remember thinking it said “Give us this day our jelly bread.” 

~ I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, “I led the pigeons to the flag.” 

~ When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: “I pledge allegiance to the flag. And to the republic for Richard Stands.” 

~ When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain Prayer was “He suffered under a bunch of violets.” The real words were “under Pontius Pilate,” but at that age, he didn’t know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read. 

~ My mother spent her early childhood saying, “Hail Mary, full of grapes.” 

~ When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.  On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, “What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?” Mom whispered something in his ear.  Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn’t say, “Be quiet until you get to your seat.” 

~ When I was younger, I believed the line was “Lead a snot into temptation.” I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.

One Liner

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

A minister’s wife served up a thrifty dinner of leftovers.

Before saying grace, the minister said: “It seems to me I’ve blessed all this before.”

One Liner

Education is important but ice cream is importanter.

A very dirty, grubby little boy came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, “Who am I?”

Ready to play the game, she said, “I don’t know! Who are you?”

“WOW!” cried the boy. “Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn’t recognize me!”

One Liner

Every time you light a lighter, your lighter gets lighter until your lighter gets so light it won’t light.

If biblical events were being covered by today’s media…

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE: Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS: Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon

On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY: 400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER: Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD’S LUNCH: Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL: Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure  

On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes:
MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE: Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK: Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs

One Liner

In the old days excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime…usually resulting in long sentences.

Alvin: My great-grandfather fought with Napoleon, my grandfather fought with the French and my father fought with the Americans.

Alex: Your relatives couldn’t get along with anyone, could they?

One Liner
You really showed your true colors last night, America! 🇺🇸