All posts by mikeshumor

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About mikeshumor

Michael May is the blogger of #mikeshumor. He is a Christ follower, husband, dad, XPastor, cyclist, cereal connoisseur, former Meridian Star paperboy. I would unfollow myself if I could. Roll Tide!

Humor – July 3

PRE-JULY 4th QUIZ

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!

Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?
At the chopping mall!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

What was Thomas Jefferson’s favorite dessert?
Monti jello!

What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
LiberTEA!

Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians!

One Liner

Someone told me they don’t have the 4th of July in other countries. Seems strange to skip from the 3rd to the 5th, but whatever.

Humor – July 2

RESUME FAUX PAS 

Typos and Grammar Slips:
“Suspected to graduate early next year.” 
“Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.” 
“Proven ability to track down and correct erors.” 
“Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.” 
“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.” 
“I am a rabid typist.” 
“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.” 
“Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981.” 
“After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.” 
“Accounting cleric.” 
“As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments.” 
“Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.” 
“Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.” 

More Resume Blunders:
“Fired because I fought for lower pay.” 
“Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6’5″.” 
“Please disregard the enclosed resume–it is terribly out of date.” 
“Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10.” 
“Qualifications: No education or experience.” 
“I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy.” 
“My compensation should be at least equal to my age.” 
“Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the IRS, FBI and SEC.” 
“Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near.” 
“Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately.” 

One Liner

The people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last and will leave during the performance. 

Humor – July 1

John was walking home from school one day when he noticed the boy ahead of him had tripped and dropped all of the books he was carrying, along with two sweaters, a baseball bat, a glove and a small tape recorder. 

John knelt down and helped the boy pick up the scattered articles. Since they were going the same way, he helped to carry part of the burden. As they walked John discovered the boy’s name was Bill, that he loved video games, baseball and history, and that he was having lots of trouble with his other subjects and that he had just broken up with his girlfriend. 

They arrived at Bill’s home first and John was invited in for a Coke and to watch some television. The afternoon passed pleasantly with a few laughs and some shared small talk, then John went home. They continued to see each other around school, had lunch together once or twice, then both graduated from junior high school. They ended up in the same high school where they had brief contacts over the years. 

Finally the long-awaited senior year came and three weeks before graduation, Bill asked John if they could talk. Bill reminded him of the day years ago when they had first met. “Did you ever wonder why I was carrying so many things home that day?” asked Bill. “You see, I cleaned out my locker because I didn’t want to leave a mess for anyone else. I had stored away some of my mother’s sleeping pills and I was going home to commit suicide. But after we spent some time together talking and laughing, I realized that if I had killed myself, I would have missed that time and so many others that might follow. So you see, John, when you picked up those books that day, you did a lot more than that, you saved my life.” 

One Liner

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Humor – June 28

I am 38 years old and I have so many unanswered questions…

I still haven’t found out who let the dogs out…where’s the beef…how to get to Sesame Street…why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps…why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same…how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop…why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton… Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors…

I still don’t understand why there is Braille on drive-up ATM’s or why “abbreviated” is such a long word; or why is there a D in ‘fridge’ but not in refrigerator… 

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons…Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections…And, why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts” – where’s that extra penny going… 

Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune…Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs…And just what is Victoria’s secret?…and what would you do for a Klondike bar – you know as soon as you bite into it, it falls apart…and why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 

One Liner

I tried to be a musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy

Humor – June 27

Three churches in town were overrun with squirrels.

After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will?  They did nothing, and the squirrels multiplied.

The elders of the second church, deciding that they should not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and then set them free outside of town.  Three days later the squirrels were back.

The third church succeeded in solving the squirrel problem. The elders simply baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.  Now they only see the squirrels on Christmas and Easter.

One Liner

I tried being a chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme. 

Humor – June 26

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. 

“Yep,” the mutt replies. 

“So, what’s your story?” 

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, “Ten dollars.” 

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?” 

The owner replies, “He’s a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

One Liner

Being over the hill is better than being under it.

Humor – June 25

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. “What if you get hungry?” he said.

“Then I’ll come home and eat!” bravely declared the child.

“And what if you run out of money?”

“I will come home and get some!” readily replied the child.

The man made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”

“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home; he’s going off to college.”

One Liner

There’s one thing about baldness … it’s tidy.

Humor – June 24

Actual complaints received by a resort chain: 

~ “On my holiday to India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.” 

~ “We booked an excursion to a water park but no one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price” 

~ “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.” 

~ “No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.” 

~ “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.” 

~ “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.” 

~ “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.” 

~ “My sister woke up late and didn’t get a free continental breakfast.”

One Liner

While social distancing, my wife and I went for a walk and scored a couple packages of toilet paper. Moral of the story? Don’t leave your garage doors open.