An elderly woman walked into the local country church.  The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely. 

“The front row please,” she answered. 

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said.  “The pastor is really boring.” 

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired. 

“No,” he said. 

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly. 

“Do you know who I am?” he asked. 

“No,” she said. 

“Good,” he answered, “Let me show you the front pew.” 

One Liner

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. 

An man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old woman sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The thirsty man asked, “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”

The woman replied “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your outfit.”

The man shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot, I need water!”

“Okay, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice person I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”

The dehydrated soul thanked the woman and walked away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later he returned crawling back to where the woman was still sitting behind her card table.

She said “I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?”

The man rasped, “I found it all right. They wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”

One Liner

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. 

AGE-ACTIVATED ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER (AAADD)

This is how it goes… 

I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. Okay, I’m going to do the laundry…BUT FIRST I’m going to read the newspaper. 

After that, I notice the mail on the table. 

OK, I’ll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack….BUT FIRST I’ll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. 

Now where is the checkbook? Oops…there’s the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I’m going to look for that checkbook…BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. 

I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink and there’s the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What’s it doing here? 

I’ll just put it away….BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and…Aaaagh! Stepped on the cat! Oh yeah, cat needs to be fed. Okay, I’ll put the remote away and water the plants….BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat. 

END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control…And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I’m baffled because…I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY. 

I realize this condition is serious…I’ve got to get help.

BUT FIRST…I think I’ll check my email…

One Liner

Only a lawyer could write an eighty-page document and call it a brief.

Years ago, I was a big city boy preaching in a small country town. I wanted to learn everything “country” so that I could fit in. As I was searching for Widow Jones’ farm, I got lost on the back roads. I saw a farmer walking into his barn so I stopped for directions.

He was just beginning to milk his cow but took time out to tell me how to get to the Jones farm. “By the way, ” I asked, “Do you know what time it is?” He leaned in to the udder of the cow and said, “12:30.”

I started to leave but I just HAD to know. I told him, “Hey, I’ve just moved from the city and I really want to know the ways of the country. How could you tell what time it was?” 

“Sit right here on this stool, son.” I did. 

“Now, grab hold of that udder.” I did. (Before this, my closest experience to this was grabbing a milk carton). 

“Now lean into the cow and lift up on the udder.” I did. 

“Lean over and look right over there on that wall. See that’s a clock. When the little hand is on the 12…”

One Liner

Swallow a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. 

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. 

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the  entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute. 

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, her husband yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

One Liner

Sorry I’m late. I got here as soon as I wanted to.

As a senior citizen on a fixed income I realize that the days of cheap cell phones are over.

Now, if I fall and hear a crack, I am hoping it’s my leg and not my cell phone.

One Liner

If you rearrange the letters of postmen, they become very angry.