THINGS GOD WON’T ASK

~ God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, He’ll ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.

~ God won’t ask the square footage of your house, He’ll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

~ God won’t ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He’ll ask how many you helped to clothe.

~ God won’t ask what your highest salary was, He’ll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

~ God won’t ask what your job title was, He’ll ask if you performed your job to the best of our ability.

~ God won’t ask how many friends you had, He’ll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

~ God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, He’ll ask how you treated your neighbors.

~ God won’t ask about the color of your skin, He’ll ask about the content of your character.

One Liner

Christians are like tea – their strength is drawn out by hot water.

Little Johnny’s teacher asked the students what they want to be in the future. Laurie says she wants to be a doctor.

Karen says she wanted to be a police officer and Susie says she wanted to be a rich and famous actress and model.

When the teacher asked Johnny what he wanted to do, he said, “I want to marry Susie.”

One Liner

You let them Shanan once, they’ll Shenanigan.

A father decided it was time to have “the talk” with his ten-year-old son.  Sitting the boy down, he thought it best to first find out what his son might already know. So he asked his son if he knew about “the birds and the bees”.

“I don’t want to know,” his son replied, bursting into tears. “Promise you won’t tell me.  Please!”

Confused by this reaction, the father asked his son what was wrong. 

“Oh dad”, the boy replied, in between sobs, “when I was six, I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech.  When I was eight, you hit me with ‘there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. If you are going to tell me now there’s no such things as birds and bees I don’t know what I will do!”

One Liner

If a tree falls in a forest and no one’s there to see it, a chihuahua 500 miles away will bark at it.

A woman was having a medical problem – her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her “suffering.”

“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $18000 down, and payments of $3000 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.”

“Wow!” the woman exclaimed, “sounds like leasing a new sports car!”

“Hmmm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?”

One Liner

I don’t have a train of thought. I have seven trains on four tracks that narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross and all the conductors scream at each other.

An emergency call: “Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!”

Operator: “Where?”

Caller: “No, a regular one!”

One Liner

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

DEFINITION OF OUTDOOR BARBECUING

When a man volunteers to do barbecue cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store. 

2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a cold beverage. 

4) The man places the meat on the grill. 

5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. 

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 

10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

One Liner

When people check behind shower curtains for murderers, what’s the plan if they find one?