Dick: Great news! Teacher said we would have a test rain or shine.

Jane: What’’ so great about that?

Dick: It’s snowing.

One Liner

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

The Sunday School Christmas play was in full swing, but when the pastor asked, “What was it that guided the wise men from the East?” 

Right on cue the pre-schoolers, each with one large letter in their hands, turned their letters to face the audience. However, the last four kids in the lineup had somehow gotten out of sequence and the answer clearly shown in large bold letters was:

C H R I S T M A S    R A T S 

One Liner

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.             

THE TOP SEVEN THINGS OVERHEAD ON THE WISE MEN’S JOURNEY TO BETHLEHEM:

7 – Man, I’m starting to get a rush from this frankincense!

6 – You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like chicken.

5 – You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.

4 – What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow?  Phoenician?

3 – Hey, do you either of you know why “MYRRH” is spelled with a “Y” instead of a “U”?

2 – Okay, whose camel just spit?

1 – All this staring at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy.

One Liner

Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Christmas

In class little Johnny drew a picture of his favorite Christmas carol, Silent Night.  

His Sunday School teacher said, “Very good Johnny. I see the manger with baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the star, and the shepherds, and three wise men. But who is the overweight gentleman over in the corner?”  

And little Johnny replied, “That’s round John Virgin.”

One Liner

What is the most favorite Christmas carol of parents? Silent Night

It was at the end of the year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving Xmas gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. 

She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Some flowers.”

“That’s right” the boy said, “but how did you know?” “Oh, just a wild guess,” she said.  

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.” 

“That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl. 

“Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher. 

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking.

She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

“Is it wine?” she asked. 

“No,” the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

“Is it champagne?” she asked. 

“No,” the boy replied, with more excitement. 

The teacher took one more taste before declaring “I give up, what is it?” 

With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!” 

One Liner

Q. Who says “Oh, Oh, Oh!”?  
A. Santa walking backwards.

A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards.

In each card she wrote, “Buy your own present” and then sent them off.

After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk.

One Liner

Unbeknownst to Bible scholars, there was a fourth wise man who was thrown out of the house for bringing fruitcake.

All the grand kids were visiting for Christmas. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren.

Two seconds after she stopped speaking, chaos ensued and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the homemade rolls. Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face.

When asked what was the matter, she replied, “I’m just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings.”

One Liner

Who needs Santa, when there is grandma?

Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor’s windows, a child asks his father, “Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?”

“What? No, of course not,” says his father.

“Why not?” asks the child.

Bewildered, his father replies, “Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush, we spent 40 years in the wilderness.”

One Liner

Dear Santa, Before I try to explain myself, how much do you already know?

A man is visiting his adult children to celebrate Christmas. When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.

His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is.

She replies, “Yes, it’s breakable.”

One Liner

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? 

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.

“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”

He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?”

One Liner

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?

Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels!