A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’ve eaten something that disagrees with me.”

A voice from the man’s stomach says, “No, you haven’t.”

One Liner

e-i-e-i-o: A gross misspelling of the word ‘farm.’

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs $500.”

“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.

The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

“That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it can build a website in a day.”

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot. “That one costs $2,000.”

“And what does that one do?” the man asked.

The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”

One Liner

I started a new exercise routine. Every day I do diddly-squats.

The boss called one of his employees into the office. “Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?” 

“Thanks,” said the employee. 

“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?” 

“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.” 

One Liner

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

“I’m an attorney,” the wincing man said, “and this is going to cost you five grand!”

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” the concerned golfer replied. “But I did yell ‘fore.'”

“I’ll take it,” the attorney said.

One Liner

I think NASCAR would be much more exciting if, like in a skating rink, every 15 minutes someone announced it was time to reverse direction.

A customer at Gene’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.

“Tell me, Gene, what makes you so smart?”

“Fish heads,” says Gene. “You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”

“You sell them here?” the customer asks.

“Only $4 apiece,” says Gene.

The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.

“You didn’t eat enough, ” says Gene. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.

“Hey, Gene,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”

“You see?” says Gene. “You’re smarter already.” 

One Liner

The trouble with skunks is that they don’t have common scents.

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said.  “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity!  That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had!  But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”

One Liner

The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away, a whim away.

While visiting a water show, a tourist asked one of the divers, “Why do
scuba divers always fall backward off their boats?

To which the diver replied, “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the
boat.”

One Liner

My favorite essential oil is bacon grease.

“I’ve created a new computer that is almost human.”

“You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?”

“No, but when it makes a mistake it blames it on another computer.”

One Liner

Just bought a head of lettuce. Should I throw it away now or in 2 weeks like I usually do.

An antelope and a lion entered a diner and took a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, “I’ll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes.”

“And what would your friend have?”

“Nothing,” replied the antelope. 

The waiter persisted, “Isn’t he hungry?”

“Hey, if he were hungry,” said the antelope, “would I be sitting here?”

One Liner

I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat is accidentally killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.

Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, “But don’t worry, the cat is in heaven with God now.”

The boy replied, “What’s God gonna’ do with a dead cat?”

One Liner

Two wrongs don’t make a right. But three will get you back on the interstate highway.