A magician was working on a Caribbean cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the show every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

“Look, it’s not the same hat!”
“Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was the captain’s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.

This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?” 

One Liner

Do you think when fish get thrown back by fisherman, they start yelling about alien abductions and the other fish stop talking to them?

Mother: Now, Little Johnny, eat your spinach. It’s good for growing children. 

Little Johnny: Who wants to grow children?

One Liner

I before E … except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit, beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.

LORD, PROP US UP 

Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old deacon who always prayed, “Lord, prop us up on our leanin’ side.”

After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently. 

He answered, “Well sir, you see, it’s like this…I got an old barn out back. It’s been there a long time. It’s withstood a lot of weather. It’s gone through a lot of storms, and it’s stood for many years. It’s still standing, but one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn’t fall. 

“Then I got to thinking ’bout that and how much I was like that old barn. I been around a long time, I’ve withstood a lot of life’s storms, I’ve withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I’ve withstood a lot of hard times, and I’m still standing, too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leanin’ side, ’cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning, at times.”

One Liner

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.

A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”

Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”  

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

One Liner

The difference between in-laws and outlaws is that at least outlaws are wanted.

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. 

I told him it was between 1:00 pm and 5:00 pm.

One Liner

Some are born to greatness, others have greatness thrust upon them. Most of
us just read about it.

A NEW AESOP’S FABLE

Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, “Good morning, Mr. Crow.” 

Mr. Crow shouted back down, “Good morning, Mr. Rabbit.” 

Mr. Rabbit shouted up, “Whata ya doin’ today?” and the answer shouted back down was, “Absolutely nothin’ Mr. Rabbit! Absolutely nothin’ and loving it.” 

Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit. So he shouted back up, “Do you think I could do that too?” 

Mr. Crow shouted back down, “I don’t see why not!” 

Well, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began doing absolutely nothing. 

In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him. 

The moral of the story: You can get away with doing absolutely nothing, but only if you’re really high up.

One Liner

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.

“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way…’Take a clean dish and…”

One Liner

Why are aliens always portrayed as evil in movies? How do we know that there isn’t an alien out there just waiting to share the recipe for “The Universe’s Best Waffle Mix?

Judy was having trouble with her computer at work so she called Joe, the company’s computer guy, over to her desk. 

Joe clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem quickly.  

As he was walking away, Judy called after him, “So, what was wrong?”  

And he replied, “It was an ID ten T error.” 

A puzzled expression ran over Judy’s face, “An ID ten T error? What’s that…in case I need to fix it again?” 

He gave her a grin, “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?” 

“No,” replied Judy. 

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.” 

So she did…

I D 1 0 T

One Liner

What animals are the most spiritual? Chipmonks.

A young doctor was just setting up his first office. 

His secretary told him there was a man to see him. The doctor wanted to make the man think that he was successful and very busy. So he told his secretary to show the man in and at that moment he picked up his phone and pretended to be having a conversation with a patient. 

The man waited patiently until the “conversation” was completed.

Once he hung up, the doctor asked, “Can I help you?”

To which the man replied “No, I’m just here to connect your telephone.”

One Liner

The proper response to “Good morning” is not “Prove it!”

The golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”

“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”

One Liner

The best thing about being 40 or older is that we did all our stupid stuff before the internet existed so there’s no proof.