The wife phones.

Husband: “Hi!”

Wife: “Hi! Did you clean the house?”

Husband: “Uhh
YUP!”

Wife: “Okay, I’m coming home. Need anything?”

Husband: “Yes, about 2 hours.”

One Liner

I didn’t mean to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heir line.

One Liner

I don’t know about you, but I’ve thought about running away more as an adult that I ever did as a child.

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.

“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.

“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”

One Liner

The English Language is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

A man feels very ill upon returning to the U.S. from a trip abroad. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. 

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an exceptionally dangerous virus that is extremely contagious!” 

“Oh my gosh,” cries the man in a panic, “What are you going to do?!”

Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.” 

“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, “No, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

One Liner

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He is a Singer song writer. Or sew it seams.

Wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Husband: Can we change the subject?

Wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

One Liner

Everyone can bring joy — some by arriving, others by leaving.

After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

One Liner

A generous army general walked into a bar and ordered everyone around.

Little boy 1: “So your family got a new house! How do you like it?”

Little boy 2: “It’s terrific! I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor Mom is still in with Dad.”

One Liner

Getting older is just one body part after another saying, “Haha, you think that’s bad? Watch this.”

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Michael’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number?”

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, “Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything!”

One Liner

Do we even need Halloween anymore – I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for 18 months..

I was teaching pre-school, and we were discussing family during carpet time, and a 4-yr-old boy asked me, “Miss Laura, do you have a Grandpa?”

I replied, “I used to have 2 Grandpas, but they went to Heaven to be with Jesus.”

He thought, shook his head sadly, and said, “My Grandpa didn’t go to Heaven.”

(Long pause while I tried to figure out how to proceed.)

“He went to Iowa!”

One Liner

Fran and her friends named their band Duvet. It’s a cover band.

A military man should make an excellent husband.

He can cook, sew, and make beds; he is in good health; and he’s already used to taking orders.

One Liner

Did you know? By replacing potato chips with grapefruit as a snack, you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you still have left in your life.