QUARANTINE DIARY

Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic.

Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix.

One Liner

2020: Stay away from negative people. 
2021: Stay away from positive people.

THE VIRUS HAS HIT EVERYBODY REALLY HARD.

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

One Liner

Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who knew??

An accountant got out of bed one morning and complained that he had not slept a wink. 

“Why didn’t you count sheep?” his wife asked. 

“I did, and that’s what got me into trouble,” the accountant replied. “I made a mistake the first hour, and it took until morning to correct it.”

One Liner

I used to spin toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

Upon receiving her manuscript with a rejection letter back from a major publishing company, the author sent a letter to the editor. 

“Sir,” she began, “you sent back a story of mine. I know that you did not read the story, for as a test I pasted together pages 18,19,20 and 21. My story came back with these pages still stuck together. I know you are a fraud and turned down the manuscript without reading them.”

The editor replied: “Madam, at breakfast when I open an egg I don’t have to eat the whole egg to discover it is bad.”

One Liner

It isn’t the size of the tree that matters, it’s the quality of the nuts that are on it.

Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; “How did it go?”

“I nearly died of shame!” she answers. “Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”

Her mother answers laughingly, “But that’s no reason to be ashamed.”

“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves! That I was HOMEMADE.” 

One Liner

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.  

Sunday School Teacher: “…and when Lot’s wife looked back at Sodom, she turned into a pillar of salt!”

Young pupil: “My mom looked back once while she was driving! She turned into a telephone pole.”

One Liner

I bet you would be really motivated if the weight you lost went to someone you don’t like.

Alan asks, “I know you’re crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?”

Steve says, “I figure I’ll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I’ll say, ‘Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She’s my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember… I don’t mind going back to prison.'”

One Liner

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”

He smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not run a red light’ five hundred times.” 

One Liner

I ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s today. His mom got really angry.

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he’s been eating.

“I only eat pool balls,” he says. “Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner.”

“I see the problem,” says the doctor. “You’re not getting enough greens.”

One Liner

A friend of mine bought his wife a world map and gave her a dart and said, throw this, and wherever it lands–that痴 where I知 taking you when this pandemic ends. It turns out that they will be spending two weeks behind the fridge.