TOP 7 SIGNS YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are “All right, listen up you heathens…”

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda shorts and a tank top.

4. Every time his smartphone notifications ding, he shouts, “Why can’t they just leave me alone?!”

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, “Sounds like a personal problem to me.”

1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

One Liner
It helps if you imagine auto correct as a little elf in your phone who’s trying to be helpful but is in fact quite drunk.

One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse.

Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: “I think your horse looks pretty good, so I’ll give you $500 for him.”

“He doesn’t look good, and he’s not for sale,” the farmer said.

The man insisted, “I think he looks good and I’ll up the price to $1000!”

“He doesn’t look so good,” the farmer said, “but if you want him that much, he’s yours.”

The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, “You sold me a blind horse! You cheated me!”

The farmer calmly replied, “I told you he didn’t look so good, didn’t I?”

One Liner
This chef on TV just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.” I know he was talking about food, but I still took it as a compliment.

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. “You see,” he explained, “my wife’s expecting.”

“Oh…” said the Officer, “I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck.”

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: “My wife’s expecting.”

The Officer looked surprised. “Still expecting?” he said, “Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off.

“When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. “Don’t tell me your wife is still expecting!” he bellowed.

“Yes sir!” said the soldier resolutely, “She’s still expecting.”

“What on earth is she expecting?” cried the Officer.

“Me,” said the soldier simply.

One Liner
Don’t grow up. It’s a trap.

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, “Where are you going?”

“To the kitchen,” he replies.

She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

The husband says, “Sure.”

She gently reminds him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

He says, “No, I can remember that!”

She then says, “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top. You’d better write it down ’cause I know you’ll forget it.”

He says, “I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

She adds, “I’d also like whipped cream. Now I’m certain you’ll forget that, so you’d better write it down.”

Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!” He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?”

One Liner
I don’t like to brag, but…cashiers are always checking me out.

The psychiatrist was interviewing a new patient.

“You say you’re here,” he inquired, “because your family is worried about your taste in socks?”

“That’s correct,” muttered the patient. “I like wool socks.”

“But that’s perfectly normal,” replied the doctor. “Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks.”

“You DO?” exclaimed the man. “With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?”

One Liner
You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after winning? They don’t allow that in bowling. I know that now.

A moving van pulled up in front of the only vacant house in the neighborhood and started unloading.

Curtains twitched up and down the street as folks peeked out to watch the process.

After about an hour, one of the moving men unloaded a great big piece of white cardboard. He solemnly held it up for all to see: “That’s all, folks.”

One Liner
In the 60’s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?” 

“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed, “Pantyhose!”

One Liner

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

PERKS OF BEING 50 OR OLDER

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run…anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

One Liner
I’m as swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. Eight days ago.

THE GRANDMA TEST

I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my granddaughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground. You don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied.

At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly, “All Grandmas know this stuff.  It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. “Oh…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa.”

“Exactly,” I replied.

One Liner
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe. I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.