Three ministers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one minister.

“No,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted, “the best prayin’ I ever did was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

One Liner

If husbands and wives took turns delivering babies, and if the husband went first, families would only have 2 children.

As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the patient’s wrists.

Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn’t eat bananas.

Imagine my surprise when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurse station demanding, “Who’s responsible for labeling my mother ‘bananas’?”

One Liner

They should announce a sequel to the movie Groundhog Day and just re-release the original.

A naked man runs into a tailor’s shop.

The tailor says, “You can’t be in here with no clothes on!”

The man says, “Come on mister, cut me some slacks!”

One Liner

It isn’t easy to keep your mouth and your mind open at the same time.

WORD PLAYS

~ A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

~ Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

~ A marine biologist developed a race of genetically-engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

~ There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and one slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

~ Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”

~ A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

One Liner

I’m in a very dark place right now. Not emotionally, just hiding in the closet from my kids.

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”

The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables.

“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.”

“Why chrome?” asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.”

One Liner

Christmas is a holiday during which neither the past nor the future is of as much interest as the present.

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

“To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.”

The lawyer continued, “To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.”

The lawyer concluded, “And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will – well you were wrong…

Hi Dan!”

One Liner

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down. Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam.

The professor looked the student over and replied, “I think you will have lots of problems on the final.”

One Liner

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like “Watt??”

A hunting party is hopelessly lost. “I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!” one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader.

“I am, “replied the guide. “But I think we’re in Canada now.”

One Liner

The nurse came in and said “Doc, there’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible.” The doctor said, “Tell him I can’t see him today.”

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.  

One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, “Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us.”  

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, “Honey, it’s for you….someone wants to talk to you about your relatives.”  

One Liner

If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re never lost.

A high school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, and a calculator.  
Authorities charged him with carrying weapons of math instruction.

One Liner

Whenever I’m with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”