She: When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles, and lighten your burden.
He: It’s very kind of you, darling. But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
She: Well, we aren’t married yet.
One Liner
If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.
A customer in a department store is offered a discounted suit by a salesperson. “But the arms and legs don’t match,” he says. “One arm and one leg is shorter than the other.”
“That’s why it’s such a bargain,” the salesperson replies. “But don’t worry, if you just raise your left shoulder, bend your left knee and walk like this, no one will notice.”
“Well…okay.”
The man then buys the suit; after putting in on in the changing room, he raises his left shoulder, bends his left knee, then proceeds to limp out of the store. As he walks down the street, two ladies notice him.
“Good Heavens,” the first lady says. “That poor man looks like he’s in a lot of pain!”
“Yes,” the second lady says. “But his suit certainly fits well.”
One Liner
It takes 2 years to learn to speak and 60 to learn to keep quiet.
Because I couldn’t unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.
I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn’t work much better than before!
As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn’t working.
“Did you get the green one, too?” he asked.
One Liner
I already have 6 trips planned for 2024 with no money. I trust you, Lord!
HOW’S YOUR JOB AT…
Q. How’s your job at the clock factory?
A. Only time will tell.
Q. How’s your job at the banana company?
A. I keep slipping up.
Q. How’s your job at the travel agency?
A. I’m going nowhere.
Q. How’s your job at the pie company?
A. It didn’t pan out.
Q. How’s your job at the balloon factory?
A. We can’t keep up with inflation.
Q. How’s your job at the crystal ball manufacturer?
A. I’m making a fortune.
Q. How’s your job at the history book publisher?
A. There’s no future in it.
Q. How’s your job on the farm?
A. Things keep cropping up.
Q. How’s your job at the sewing shop?
A. Hanging on by a thread.
One Liner
Most people are so lazy, they don’t even exercise good judgement
> An Oxford comma walks into a bar with two clowns, a professor, and a policeman.
> A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
> An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
> Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
> A question mark walks into a bar?
> Helvetica and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
> Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
> A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
> A synonym strolls into a tavern.
> At the end of the day, a cliche walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
One Liner
When something is “new and improved,” which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”
But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!”
One Liner
You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions.
A young man and a pastor are playing a round of golf together. At a short par 3, the pastor asks the young man, “What club are you going to use on this hole?”
The young man says, “An 8-iron, reverend. How about you?”
The pastor says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The pastor tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, “I don’t know about you, pastor, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”
One Liner
When the clock factory caught fire, second hand smoke was everywhere.
Things I’m super good at:
> Forgetting someone’s name 10 seconds after they tell me.
> Buying produce…and throwing it away two weeks later.
> Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions.
> Making plans. And then immediately regretting making plans.
> Leaving laundry in the dryer until it wrinkles. Then turning on the dryer to dewrinkle. Then forgetting it again.
> Calculating how much sleep I’ll get if I can just “fall asleep right now.”
One Liner
It’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “Hey, get out!”
I went to a fish restaurant last night and ordered the octopus.
The waiter told me it takes four hours to cook.
“Why?” I asked.
He answered, “Because it keeps turning the gas off.”
One Liner
Sorry that I’m late. I got here as soon as I wanted to.
You know it’s going to be a BAD DAY when…
> You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
> Your four-year-old greets you with the news that its almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
> The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
> Your horn gets stuck when you’re following a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
> You get to work and there’s a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.
> Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
> Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.
> Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.
> Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
One Liner
It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a friendly, nice person.
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