NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Read less. Makes you think.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.

~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Get more toys.

~ Get further in debt.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Mope about your faults.

~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One Liner

Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.

15 EXERCISES WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2025…

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic 

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

One Liner

My goal for 2025 is to accomplish the goals of 2024 which I should have done in 2023 because I made a promise in 2022 and planned in 2021.

~ What does a pirate decorate his tree with? Gaaarrrrrland.

~ What do skunks sing at Christmas? Jingle Smells

~ What do you get if you cross an archer with gift wrap? Ribbon Hood

~ What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia

~ Why was the computer so quiet on Christmas Eve? Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

~ What is green, covered with tinsel, and goes ribbet ribbet? Mistle-toad!

~ What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis

~ What do you call a Christmas wreath made with $100 bills? Aretha Franklins

~ Where does Frosty, the Snowman, keep his money? In a snowbank.

~ When you open your credit card statements this January you will be warmly greeted: “I am the ghost of Christmas presents!”

~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!

~ How much did Santa pay for his sled? Nothing, it was on the house.

~ Why didn’t the wise men stop to water their camels? No well.

One Liner

I know. I know. People say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift,” but couldn’t people think a bit bigger?!

At my friends’ wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. He turned to his bride’s mother. “You’ve given me a gift,” he began, “a gift that…”

Here he paused with emotion, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the sentence, “That you can’t return!”

One Liner

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.

Stocking stuffers

One Christmas my husband put an assortment of beauty products in my stocking. I tried one of the facial masks, and was about to wash it off when my eight-year-old son, Callum, walked in. I explained to him that it was a present from his dad and it would make me beautiful.

He patiently waited by my side as I rinsed and patted my face dry.

“Well, what do you think?” I asked.

“Oh, Mom, it didn’t work!” Callum replied.

The Christmas Dinner

Young Jessica always wanted a dog for Christmas. She asked Santa at the mall, and she even put it on her wish list. When Christmas came, her mom handed her a huge box with holes. Excited, Jessica ripped it open, only to be disappointed to find a little potbelly pig.

Then Jessica asked her mom, “Why did Santa get me a pig?” From the kitchen, her dad yelled, “Oh, that’s my fault.”

“Why?” Jessica asked. Her father replied, “I asked Santa for a Christmas ham.”

“Here’s a king!” announced a three-year-old as he unwrapped a figurine from the Nativity scene.

“And here’s a donkey!” he added as he continued unpacking.

Removing tissue from the statue of the infant, molded permanently in his manger, the child exclaimed, “Here’s Baby Jesus in his car seat!”

One Liner

One snowman said to the other, “All our friends are flakes.”

One day during our children’s sermon, I was telling the kids about how the angel came to Mary to tell her about how she would help bring Jesus into the world.  One little girl seemed puzzled about this whole scene.  Then another child asked what I thought the first thing Mary would have asked for after the angel left her.  Instantly this little girl chimed in with “I’ll bet she asked for a little help from Joseph!”

The Three Gifts
After the Christmas pageant, I asked my 6-year-old son if he remembered the gifts that the Magi brought to Jesus. He thought for a minute then said “gold, frankincense, and humor”. We could all use that!

He who laughs …. lasts!!!

THE TWELVE THANK-YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS

Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. 
Your deeply loving Emily

Dec 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write.  I’m so touched and grateful! With undying love, as always, Emily

Dec 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Whoever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It’s a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we’ll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they’re lovely. 
Your devoted Emily

Dec 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning.  They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly–they make telephoning almost impossible–but I expect they’ll calm down when they get used to their new home.  Anyway, I’m very grateful, of course, I am. 
Love from Emily

Dec 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I’m afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to “wring” their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she’s only joking, I think, but I do know what she means.  Still, I love the rings. 
Bless you, Emily

Dec 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn’t six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they’ve already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let’s call a halt, shall we? 
Love,  Emily

Dec 31
Edward, 
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I’d rather not think what’s happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! 
Your Emily

Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of joke? If so, I’m afraid I don’t find it very amusing. 
Emily

Jan 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough. You say you’re sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they’re certainly not ladies. The village just isn’t accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it’s Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once! 
Emily

Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it.  And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile, the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again. 
Emily

Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you’re satisfied. 

Jan 5
Sir, 
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much-assorted livestock. 
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G.  Creep
Attorney at law

One Liner

Wife to husband: “This Christmas let’s give each other sensible gifts like ties and fur coats.” 

Toy store customer: “That’s a terrific train set. I’ll buy it.”

Clerk: “Great, I’m sure your kids will love it!”

Customer: “Maybe you’re right. I’ll take two.”

One Liner

Two absolutely predictable events strangely hit many people totally unforeseen: Christmas and old age.

An old country preacher needed to have a sign made that would tell the people passing on the freeway about The Wonder of Christmas. He lived quite a ways out of town and did not have access to any of the modern conveniences of phone or email, in fact, he only was able to send quick messages via Telegraph from the local General store.

Since telegraphs charge by the letter, he tried to make his message succinct so that the sign builder would know exactly what he wanted, but without wasting extra characters. He rushed down to the General Store and sent his message off.

This story picks up at the sign-making company and the poor clerk who received the telegraph message. As the message printed out she gasped, and fainted. The message that she read, “Unto us a child is born 6 ft long and 3 ft wide.”

One Liner

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house.