How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? 
Fleece Navidad

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? 
Crisp Cringle

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? 
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree? 
A pineapple

You are cordially invited to
A BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION!

Guest of Honor: Jesus Christ

Date: Traditionally, December 25, but He’s always around, so the date is flexible…

Time: Whenever you’re ready.

Place: In your heart…He’ll meet you there. (You’ll hear Him knock.)

Attire: Come as you are…grubbies are just fine. [We all came that way!] He’ll be washing our clothes anyway. He said something about new, white robes and crowns…

Tickets: Admission is free. He’s already paid for everyone. He says you wouldn’t be able to afford it anyway. It cost Him everything He had.

Refreshments: New wine, bread, and a cool drink He calls “Living Water,” followed by a supper that promises to be out of this world!

Gift Suggestions: Your life. He’s one of those people who already has everything. (He’s very generous in return though. Just wait until you see what He has for you!)

Entertainment: Unconditional Love, Priceless Grace, Wild Abandon, Real Life, Communion with God, Forgiveness, Healing, Fascinating Mystery, Childlike Joy, Uncommon Passion, and much more! (All “G” rated, so bring your family and friends.)

R.S.V.P. He needs to know ahead of time so He can reserve a spot for you at the table. He’ll enter your name in the “Lamb’s Book of Life.”

One Liner

Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect.

Christmas was fast approaching. Mom reminded her 8-year-old that he would soon be visiting with Santa Claus. He seemed unusually resistant to the idea. So she asked, “You do believe in Santa, don’t you?”

He thought hard, then said, “Yes, but I think this is the last year.”

One Liner

One snowman said to the other, “All our friends are flakes.”

I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir.

After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, “You sounded fine! I will have you sing a solo.”

“You mean…by myself right up front,” I asked?

“No,” he said, “I mean you should sing so low that we can’t hear you.”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive Christmastime, don’t you?

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from one city to another. He got as far as the mountains when it just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn’t gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes–both going well over 120 mph–blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, “And you’re not going to believe this, but there’s guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass.”

One Liner

I知 a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

THANKSGIVING FORECAST 

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. 

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. 

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. 

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

One Liner

I don’t think it’s fair that only roosters can start the day screaming.

A guy bought his wife a piano for her birthday.  A few weeks later his buddy asked how she was doing with it.

“Actually,” said the guy, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“How come?” asked his buddy

“Well,” said the guy, “with a clarinet she can’t sing.”

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

One Liner

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Fric: I was going to dance down a spiral staircase for your birthday, but I decided not to. 

Frac: Why not?

Fric: Because I am a Fred Astaires.

One Liner

A surgeon told me he puts organs back in upside down. I told him that it wasn’t funny, but he laughed and said it was an inside joke.

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a postcard in his hand. The old man said, “Sir, I’m sorry to bother you but could you address this postcard for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can’t even hold a pen.”

“Certainly, sir,” said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”

The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you just add, ‘PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.’?”

One Liner

Fish bite twice a day … before you get there and after you leave.

A young man is being trained as a steamship helmsman. In his first time at the wheel, the mate gives him a heading and then orders, “Come starboard.”

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate suggests gently, “Could you bring the ship with you?”

One Liner

If Cher were to get cloned, would she be Cher and Cher alike?