I taught my kids about democracy tonight. I had them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.

I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

One Liner

I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins. I call it Baptismal Font.

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one.  I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI (Driving Under the Influence).

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car.  I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right.  But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir.  That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by more police cars, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure.  Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?

Driver: It’s mine, officer.  Here’s the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk?  I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

The trunk was opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it.  The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

One Liner

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and 3 sizes smaller?

The school was having trouble with Little Johnny and decided to have him tested by a psychologist.

The first question he was asked was, “If I have ten apples and take away five apples, what is the difference?”

After a brief pause Little Johnny answered, “That’s just what I say, ‘What’s the difference?'”.

When asked whether a pair of trousers were singular or plural, he replied, “Well, they are singular at the top and plural at the bottom.”

Finally the psychologist decided to test his spelling and asked him, “How do you spell Banana?”

After careful consideration he replied, “B A N A N A N A N A N A N A-“

The psychologist interrupted him and said, “Johnny that’s quite enough,” to which he replied, “I know how to spell it, I just don’t know when to stop.”

The psychologist then wrote on his report: “If you are not having problems with Little Johnny it would not be normal.”

One Liner

Trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.

During a church service, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead.

The church grew quiet, except for a little boy who turned to his father and piped, “Dad, you have some of their albums!”

One Liner

Some people are like blisters. They don’t show up until the work is done.

Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

“Elation,” she said.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “How about the opposite of woe?”

The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy up.”

One Liner

With all this rain, we need an ark. Fear not! (Wait for it.) I Noah guy.

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” wheezed a second.

“And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember ’em too,” said the third.

Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest – and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old – piped up and said, “Oh my friends, just be thankful we’re still on THIS side of the grass!”

One Liner

Sometimes I shock myself with the stuff I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car with my seat belt on.

There on the window sill was a little boy and his cat. 

The boy’s mother came to see what they were doing, and she heard the little boy preaching God’s word to his cat. So she went about her chores. 

Later she heard the cat fussing, so she went to see what was going on. The little boy had the cat in their kitchen sink full of water.  The mother told him that cats don’t like water. The boy sharply replied, “He should’ve thought of that before she joined the church!”

One Liner

To measure the quality of puns, you much use a sighsmograph.

It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

“Can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”

“Where are you?” she asked.

She wasn’t happy when I said the 7th tee.

One Liner

Sign: Frog Parking Only. All others will be toad.

THINGS GOD WON’T ASK

~ God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, He’ll ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.

~ God won’t ask the square footage of your house, He’ll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

~ God won’t ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He’ll ask how many you helped to clothe.

~ God won’t ask what your highest salary was, He’ll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

~ God won’t ask what your job title was, He’ll ask if you performed your job to the best of our ability.

~ God won’t ask how many friends you had, He’ll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

~ God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, He’ll ask how you treated your neighbors.

~ God won’t ask about the color of your skin, He’ll ask about the content of your character.

One Liner

Christians are like tea – their strength is drawn out by hot water.

Little Johnny’s teacher asked the students what they want to be in the future. Laurie says she wants to be a doctor.

Karen says she wanted to be a police officer and Susie says she wanted to be a rich and famous actress and model.

When the teacher asked Johnny what he wanted to do, he said, “I want to marry Susie.”

One Liner

You let them Shanan once, they’ll Shenanigan.