In the doctor’s office, two patients are talking.

“You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in
me by mistake.”

“A sponge!” exclaims the other. “And do you feel much pain”

“No pain at all,” says the first, “but do I get horribly thirsty”

One Liner

When I was a kid, I wanted to play the guitar badly. And after years of hard
work, practice and dedication, I can now play the guitar… badly.

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked: “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

One Liner

When I was a kid getting put to bed at 9:00, I couldn’t wait until I was a grown-up and could stay up until whatever time I wanted. That time is, apparently, 9:00.

“Hey Alexa, can you check my bank account and see what Apple product I can afford to buy?”

Alexa: “Apple juice.”

One Liner

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party. Now I’m homeless.

Celebrating 20 years of Mikeshumor – May 2004 to May 2024

A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.

The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, “Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?”

One Liner

I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.

Celebrating 20 years of Mikeshumor – May 2004 to May 2024

TELEMARKETER HANG-UP STRATEGY

A telemarketer calls, “I would like to speak with Max, please.”

The homeowner reluctantly replies, “I suppose that would be possible, but it seems rather strange.”

The telemarketer responds, “Why would that be?”

The homeowner answers, “This is the first time we’ve ever had a call for the dog.”

One Liner

The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and add twenty percent.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. ‘Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.’ Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol’s mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Carol

Carol knew this wasn’t true.  She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol
Carol knew this wasn’t true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:
I know I haven’t been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol’s mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

“Just be home in time for dinner,” her mother said. 

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

One Liner

Today I bought a cupcake without sprinkles. Diets are hard.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. 

“So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.” 

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, Mr. Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, Mr. Campos, gave me $10,000.” 

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Mr. Leon. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.” 

One Liner

Being a functioning adult, every day seems a bit excessive.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

ohn: What’s the difference between a lemon, an elephant, and a bag of cement?

Philip: I give up, what’s the difference?

John: You can squeeze a lemon, but you can’t squeeze an elephant.

Philip: What about the bag of cement?

John: I just threw that in to make it hard.

One Liner

Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

mikeshumor provides clean humor for all its readers to live out our motto, “He who laughs, lasts!” 

Since our beginning in May 2004, mikeshumor has provided a laugh, humor and encouragement to readers of all ages!  If you have clean humor or one liners that you would like us to consider publishing, email it to mikeshumor@gmail.com  

mikeshumor is a free blog …. However donations are welcome!  Since May 21, readers have the opportunity to make a donation.  Donations are not tax-deductible, but they do help cover direct costs associated with our website, domain and various online services.

Thank you for being a loyal reader – and make sure you pass the humor along!!

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, “But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half.”
“Just bring me a size eight.”

The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, “I’ve lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business has filed Chapter 7.”

“The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off.”

One Liner

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I知 not going to spread it.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

mikeshumor provides clean humor for all its readers to live out our motto, “He who laughs, lasts!” 

Since our beginning in May 2004, mikeshumor has provided a laugh, humor and encouragement to readers of all ages!  If you have clean humor or one liners that you would like us to consider publishing, email it to mikeshumor@gmail.com  

mikeshumor is a free blog …. However donations are welcome!  Since May 21, readers have the opportunity to make a donation.  Donations are not tax-deductible, but they do help cover direct costs associated with our website, domain and various online services.

Thank you for being a loyal reader – and make sure you pass the humor along!!