A very dirty, grubby little boy came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, “Who am I?”
Ready to play the game, she said, “I don’t know! Who are you?”
“WOW!” cried the boy. “Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn’t recognize me!”
One Liner
Every time you light a lighter, your lighter gets lighter until your lighter gets so light it won’t light.
If biblical events were being covered by today’s media…
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE: Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS: Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon
On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY: 400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER: Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD’S LUNCH: Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL: Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure
On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes:
MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE: Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK: Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs
One Liner
In the old days excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime…usually resulting in long sentences.
Alvin: My great-grandfather fought with Napoleon, my grandfather fought with the French and my father fought with the Americans.
Alex: Your relatives couldn’t get along with anyone, could they?
One Liner
You really showed your true colors last night, America! 🇺🇸
PRE-JULY 4th QUIZ
What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!
Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?
At the chopping mall!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
What was Thomas Jeffersons favorite dessert?
Monti jello!
What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!
What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
LiberTEA!
Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians!
One Liner
Someone told me they don’t have the 4th of July in other countries. Seems strange to skip from the 3rd to the 5th, but whatever.
RESUME FAUX PAS
Typos and Grammar Slips:
“Suspected to graduate early next year.”
“Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”
“Proven ability to track down and correct erors.”
“Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”
“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
“I am a rabid typist.”
“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
“Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981.”
“After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.”
“Accounting cleric.”
“As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments.”
“Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
“Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.”
More Resume Blunders:
“Fired because I fought for lower pay.”
“Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6’5″.”
“Please disregard the enclosed resume–it is terribly out of date.”
“Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10.”
“Qualifications: No education or experience.”
“I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy.”
“My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
“Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the IRS, FBI and SEC.”
“Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near.”
“Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately.”
One Liner
The people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last and will leave during the performance.
John was walking home from school one day when he noticed the boy ahead of him had tripped and dropped all of the books he was carrying, along with two sweaters, a baseball bat, a glove and a small tape recorder.
John knelt down and helped the boy pick up the scattered articles. Since they were going the same way, he helped to carry part of the burden. As they walked John discovered the boy’s name was Bill, that he loved video games, baseball and history, and that he was having lots of trouble with his other subjects and that he had just broken up with his girlfriend.
They arrived at Bill’s home first and John was invited in for a Coke and to watch some television. The afternoon passed pleasantly with a few laughs and some shared small talk, then John went home. They continued to see each other around school, had lunch together once or twice, then both graduated from junior high school. They ended up in the same high school where they had brief contacts over the years.
Finally the long-awaited senior year came and three weeks before graduation, Bill asked John if they could talk. Bill reminded him of the day years ago when they had first met. “Did you ever wonder why I was carrying so many things home that day?” asked Bill. “You see, I cleaned out my locker because I didn’t want to leave a mess for anyone else. I had stored away some of my mother’s sleeping pills and I was going home to commit suicide. But after we spent some time together talking and laughing, I realized that if I had killed myself, I would have missed that time and so many others that might follow. So you see, John, when you picked up those books that day, you did a lot more than that, you saved my life.”
One Liner
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I am 38 years old and I have so many unanswered questions…
I still haven’t found out who let the dogs out…where’s the beef…how to get to Sesame Street…why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps…why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same…how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop…why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton… Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors…
I still don’t understand why there is Braille on drive-up ATM’s or why “abbreviated” is such a long word; or why is there a D in ‘fridge’ but not in refrigerator…
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons…Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections…And, why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts” – where’s that extra penny going…
Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune…Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs…And just what is Victoria’s secret?…and what would you do for a Klondike bar – you know as soon as you bite into it, it falls apart…and why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
One Liner
I tried to be a musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy
Three churches in town were overrun with squirrels.
After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? They did nothing, and the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they should not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and then set them free outside of town. Three days later the squirrels were back.
The third church succeeded in solving the squirrel problem. The elders simply baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see the squirrels on Christmas and Easter.
One Liner
I tried being a chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, “Ten dollars.”
The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
The owner replies, “He’s a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
One Liner
Being over the hill is better than being under it.
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