A professor gave a big exam to his students. When he collected the papers, one student had attached a $100 bill with a note saying: “A dollar per point.”
The next day the student got his test score and $64 change.
One Liner
Time-saving tip: Everything can be filed under Miscellaneous.
A little boy wanted $100 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and the government deducted $95 in taxes.
One Liner
Question: Have we tried exploding all of the food to see if it makes it better, or did we just stop with corn?
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”
The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
“Oh, OK!” said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
One Liner
Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, “Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side.”
Very quietly, the doctor said, “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?”
The doctor was holding the handle of the door. On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, “Did you notice my dog? He’s never been in this room before. He didn’t know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing…I know my Master is there and that is enough.”
One Liner
What your heart possesses, your life expresses.
YOU KNOW YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN
~ You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
~ You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
~ You just completed another sweater… and you don’t know how to knit!
~ You answer the door before people knock.
~ You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
~ You ski uphill.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
One Liner
A short nap once in a while can prevent old age… especially while driving.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A MOM WHEN…
1. You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
2. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. And your children are at school.
3. You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
4. You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
5. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you’ve reached over and started to cut up his steak.
One Liner
I can’t stand people who look down on people who look down on people.
Two friends were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town.
Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the guys said to the cashier, “Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are.”
The cashier leaned over the counter and said, “Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg.”
One Liner
Just saw where the CEO of IKEA was elected President of Sweden. Its the first time a president ever needed an allen wrench to assemble his cabinet.
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “Remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
“What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man.
“This is Heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free every day.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.
“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.
“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”
The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?”
“Not unless you want to,” was the answer.
“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”
“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!
One Liner
I want time to sit and read, take a nap, and snack. Basically, I want to be in kindergarten.
MISINTERPRETATIONS
~ When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say the Lord’s Prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, “Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses.”
~ My son, who is in nursery school, said, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?”
~ I remember thinking it said “Give us this day our jelly bread.”
~ I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, “I led the pigeons to the flag.”
~ When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: “I pledge allegiance to the flag. And to the republic for Richard Stands.”
~ When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain Prayer was “He suffered under a bunch of violets.” The real words were “under Pontius Pilate,” but at that age, he didn’t know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.
~ My mother spent her early childhood saying, “Hail Mary, full of grapes.”
~ When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, “What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?” Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn’t say, “Be quiet until you get to your seat.”
~ When I was younger, I believed the line was “Lead a snot into temptation.” I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.
One Liner
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
A minister’s wife served up a thrifty dinner of leftovers.
Before saying grace, the minister said: “It seems to me I’ve blessed all this before.”
One Liner
Education is important but ice cream is importanter.
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