PARENT’S DICTIONARY

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 a.m. also.

Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

One Liner

The most expensive vehicle to operate, by far, is the Costco shopping cart.

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.

“It seems everyone is out to get me lately. How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that I’m not just being paranoid? Even *He* is trying to get me?”

One Liner

I once swallowed a book of synonyms. It gave me the thesaurus throat I’ve ever had!

SIGNS YOU’RE OVERDOING THANKSGIVING

~ Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

~ You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis.

~ You have five TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.

~ You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses.

~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.

~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.

~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

~ Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

~ Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard and delete this.

One Liner

Thanksgiving is the only holiday you deep-fry the mascot.

A guy bought a new fridge. He put the old fridge in his front yard with a sign saying: “Free to good home, You want it — you take it.”   

For three days the fridge sat there. So he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50.”

The next day someone stole it. 

One Liner

Did you hear the one about the woman who threw her toaster away because it kept burning the bread? She was black toast intolerant.

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs $500.”

“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.

The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

“That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it can build a website in a day.”

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot. “That one costs $2,000.”

“And what does that one do?” the man asked.

The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”

One Liner

I started a new exercise routine. Every day I do diddly-squats.

THINGS TO DO TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER

> Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

> When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught,” and refuse to say anything more

> Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

> During mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

One Liner

Lif is too short.

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite
team’s game. They promised whoever died first, and went to heaven, would
come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did.

He said to Bob, “I have good news and bad news. I’ll tell you the good news
first. There IS baseball in heaven.”

Bob said, “That’s the best news!”

Then Earl said, “Time for the bad news…you’re pitching tomorrow night.”

One Liner

Here’s a tip: Ring your doorbell on your way to bed at night. This will
clear the dogs off the bed long enough for you to get in and be comfortable.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

A: When it falls in love with a yo mama joke

B: When it becomes apparent

C: When you store it in a dad-a-bank

D: When the punchline is full groan

One Liner

A ship carrying a load of red paint collided with a ship carrying a load of purple paint. Both crews were marooned.

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, “A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000.”

There was a moment’s silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, “Two thousand five hundred!”

One Liner

My boss calls me “The Computer.” Nothing to do with intelligence; I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs $500.”
“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.

The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

“That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows computer programming.”

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

“That one costs $2,000.”

“And what does that one do?” the man asked.

The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss.”

One Liner

My friend David had his ID stolen. Now he’s just Dav.