There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel – they said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!”

One Liner

Nutritionists say that eating healthy involves filling your plate with bright colors: Greens, reds, yellows. So I had a bowl of M&Ms.

My 4-year-old granddaughter asked: “Where does poo come from?”

To make it simple, I said: “You just had breakfast?”

“Yes,” she replied.

“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what”s left goes down to your bottom – and when you go to the toilet, that comes out as poo.”

She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then she asked: “And Tigger?”

One Liner

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my high school yearbook, I have some devastating news.

The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge. When it was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school that could present the best claim for the honor.

Harvard submitted an essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge named for the institution.

MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named for Harvard.

One Liner

I’ve decided to buy my wife a used chess set for her birthday. I’ll be buying it at a pawn shop.

It may be time to diet & exercise if…

– you try to do a few pushups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.

– your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy’s first wife was.

– you get winded just saying the words “ten-kilometer run.”

– you come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toes each morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees.

– you analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humor.

– you step on a talking scale and it says, “Come back when you’re alone.”

One Liner
My wife and I can’t count calories and have the bodies to prove it.

A salesman from a mortgage refinance company rang up a lady at home.

Salesman: “Do you have a second mortgage on your home?”

Lady: “No.”

Salesman: “Would you like to consolidate all your debts?”

Lady: “I really don’t have any.”

Salesman: “How about freeing up cash for home improvements?”

Lady: “I don’t need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash.”

… brief pause…

Salesman: “Are you looking for a husband?”

One Liner
There is a new dating service in Prague. It is called Czech-Mate.

WHAT GOD WON’T ASK

~ God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, He’ll ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.

~ God won’t ask the square footage of your house, He’ll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

~ God won’t ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He’ll ask how many you helped to clothe.

~ God won’t ask what your highest salary was, He’ll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

~ God won’t ask what your job title was, He’ll ask if you performed your job to the best of our ability.

~ God won’t ask how many friends you had, He’ll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

~ God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, He’ll ask how you treated your neighbors.

~ God won’t ask about the color of your skin, He’ll ask about the content of your character.

One Liner
Trouble is inevitable. Misery is optional.

As the crowded airliner is about to push away from the gate
, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.  No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.  Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.  All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, sir,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

One Liner
The word “nun” is basically just the letter n doing a cartwheel.

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass — not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found.

As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.

Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, “A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me.”

One Liner
Gotta love the irony of a generation raised on making prank calls only to be terrorized daily by robo-calls now.

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat is accidentally killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.

Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, “But don’t worry, the cat is in heaven with God now.”

The boy replied, “What’s God gonna’ do with a dead cat?”

One Liner
Two wrongs don’t make a right. But three will get you back on the interstate highway.

An elderly couple decided they just spent too much time and energy complaining about all their aches and pains.

“Let’s agree to not say a word about our ailments,” suggested the wife. “We’ll talk about something else or say nothing at all.”

“Great idea!” replied the husband.

Two months later, they got a message from Alexa. “Alexa is wondering if you are both OK. For the past two months we have picked up no verbal communication in your household.”

One Liner
The dating site says this guy has a corner office with a view of the whole city; he drives a $600,000 vehicle; and he’s paid to travel. Turns out he’s a bus driver.