A cowboy from Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going home to Texas for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the cowboy handed over the keys to a brand new Ford F-250 King Ranch. The truck was parked on the street in front of the bank. The old cowboy produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy from the south for using a $85,000 pickup truck as collateral for a
$5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the truck into the bank’s private underground garage and safely parked it.

Two weeks later, the old cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07, and took the keys to his truck.

The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumnus From Texas A&M, a highly-sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good ‘ole Texan replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my truck for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

One Liner

The wurst thing about working at a sausage shop is that every day is ground hog day.

The time has come for St. Peter’s annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteers to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.

“It’s no big deal,” St. Peter explains. “Sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then send them on to housekeeping to pick up their wings.”

On the third day, Jesus looks up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him.

“I’m a simple carpenter,” says the man. “And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in this world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story.”

By this time, Jesus is standing with his arms outstretched. There are tears in his eyes, and he embraces the old man.

“Father,” he cries out, “It’s been so long!”

The old man squints, stares for a moment, and says,

“Pinocchio?”

One Liner

I’ve seen traffic jams so bad the only way to change lanes was to buy the car driving next to you.

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

One Liner

I chocked on a carrot today and all I could think of was, ‘I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this.’

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy got into the back seat, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel! The car starts slowly; the guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray begging for his life.

He hasn’t come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, the guy jumps out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a restaurant and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was serious.

About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same restaurant. They looked around for a table when one said to the other, “Look John, that’s the dummy who got in the car when we were pushing it.”

One Liner

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.

A fellow took a new job in a hilly Eastern city. His commute was a tiring array of tunnels, bridges, and traffic jams. Thinking to make the trip more bearable, he invited some coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

“Doc,” the frustrated commuter complained, “I’m fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I’m going to explode! What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?”

“No, no, no,” said the doctor. “This problem is actually quite common.”

“Tell me! What is it?”

“You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.”

One Liner

There are II types of people in this world. Those who understand Roman numerals and those who do not.

I’m not a “Ride or Die” kinda person. I have questions:

* Where are we riding to?

* Why do I have to die?

* Can we get food on the way?

One Liner
There’s something really wrong with my cactus plant, but I just can’t put my finger on it.

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class almost 50 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1953.”

“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”

One Liner

If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it whole.

The teacher noticed that Al had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention.

“Al,” she said, “If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?

“Thirty-four,” Al answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied “Well, that’s not far from my actual age. Tell me…how did you guess?”

“Oh, there’s nothing to it,” Al said. “My big sister is seventeen and she’s only half-crazy.”

One Liner

I miss the 90s when bread was good for you and no one had heard of kale.

Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.”

Doctor: “How come?”

Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”

One Liner

Last night, I accidently superglued my thumb and my pointing finger together. I’ll be okay for a while.

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks.  He asked why. The waiter said “Chopsticks are provided only on request.”  

“But,” the man countered, “if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks.”

“True,” the waiter shot back, “but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess.”

One Liner

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.