A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of exotic foods, and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, “I want those two back in the office right after lunch.”

One Liner

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can’t count your hair.  

2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.  

3) You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.  

Put your tongue back in your mouth – sure you can still breathe! HAHA  

TEN THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU.  

1) You are reading this.  

2) You are human.  

3) You can’t say the letter ‘P’ without separating your lips.  

4) You just attempted to do it. HAHA  

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.  

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.  

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it, too.  

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.  

One Liner

The main function of your little toe is to ensure that all the furniture is in its place.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.  The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

的’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa.  滴ow about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. 

The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness.  He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, throw that full glass of water into the wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands on the desk and takes careful aim, but when he throws the glass, water covers the man’s desk, jacket, briefcase, and everything around it.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney starts crying and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
s
“Not really,” says the attorney.  典his morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and throw water all over your office and that you’d be happy about it!”

One Liner

IRS Be audit you can be! 

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “No.”

I told him, “She is Bill Gate’s daughter.”

He said, “Yes.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “No”.

I told Bill Gates, “My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “Okay”.

I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, “No”.

I told him, “My son is Bill Gate’s son-in-law.”

He said, “Okay.”

And this is how politics works!

One Liner

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

Last evening my wife and I are playing SkipBo. As we sat there I was eating peach pie and had a thought that I expressed to Chris, “I wonder why they don’t make pear pies – they make pear tarts?”

She looks over and said, “Why can’t they make a pair of pies if they can make a pair of tarts? I think they can make two pies at a time, sure they can.”

I say, “I’m talking about a pie and a tart made of pears.” 

She says “I thought you were talking about making two pies at the same time.”

She bends over in uncontrolled laughter while I sit quietly watching to see if she is bewitched or has just lost it.

Oh, she won SkipBo.

One Liner

I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.

Gal 1: “Hey, you look sad, what’s the trouble?”
Gal 2: “Domestic trouble.”
Gal 1: “But you always bragged that your husband is a pearl!”
Gal 2: “He still is. It’s the mother-of-pearl that makes all the trouble.”

One Liner

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, “Aw, who cares?” And then I think, “Hey, what’s for dinner?” 

Grandpa wonders how much 6-year-old Tommy knows about money. Just for fun, he pulls two bills from his wallet – a ten and a twenty – and asks Tommy which one he’d rather have. Tommy grins and takes the ten dollar bill. 

“Thanks, Grandpa!”

Grandpa thinks it’s kinda funny, so he does it again. Again Tommy chooses the ten-dollar bill.

Grandpa calls over Uncle Joe and says, “Watch this.” He again offers Tommy a ten and a twenty, and again Tommy chooses the ten.

Both men chuckle, and then call over Tommy’s dad. Grandpa again offers a ten and a twenty, and Tommy gleefully takes the ten.

Dad takes Tommy aside. “Son, don’t you know twenty is more than ten?”

“Sure,” says Tommy. “But if I took the twenty, Grandpa wouldn’t keep playing the game. Now I have forty dollars.”

One Liner

A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

PUNS ‘R’ US

~ A good pun is its own reword. 

~ Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. 

~ A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative. 

~ Dijon vu: The same mustard as before. 

~ Corduroy pillows are making headlines. 

~ Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 

~ A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. 

~ When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I. 

~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

~ Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

~ Acupuncture is a jab well done.

One Liner

I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. 

On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.  

After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, “Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today”   

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, “Well pastor, I don’t know much ’bout preachin’, but I do know something bout farmin’ and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I’d still feed ’em”  

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.  

The old farmer remarked, “Well pastor, I don’t know much bout preachin’, but I do know somethin’ ’bout farmin’ and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn’t give ’em the whole bale.”

One Liner

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does. 

The next day in a written test, she included this question: “My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?” 

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother.”

One Liner

I am not evil. Just divinely challenged.