Years ago, I was a big city boy preaching in a small country town. I wanted to learn everything “country” so that I could fit in. As I was searching for Widow Jones’ farm, I got lost on the back roads. I saw a farmer walking into his barn so I stopped for directions.

He was just beginning to milk his cow but took time out to tell me how to get to the Jones farm. “By the way, ” I asked, “Do you know what time it is?” He leaned in to the udder of the cow and said, “12:30.”

I started to leave but I just HAD to know. I told him, “Hey, I’ve just moved from the city and I really want to know the ways of the country. How could you tell what time it was?” 

“Sit right here on this stool, son.” I did. 

“Now, grab hold of that udder.” I did. (Before this, my closest experience to this was grabbing a milk carton). 

“Now lean into the cow and lift up on the udder.” I did. 

“Lean over and look right over there on that wall. See that’s a clock. When the little hand is on the 12…”

One Liner

Swallow a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. 

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. 

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the  entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute. 

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, her husband yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

One Liner

Sorry I’m late. I got here as soon as I wanted to.

As a senior citizen on a fixed income I realize that the days of cheap cell phones are over.

Now, if I fall and hear a crack, I am hoping it’s my leg and not my cell phone.

One Liner

If you rearrange the letters of postmen, they become very angry.

Eight-year-old Susie came home from school and informed her mother that today in class they had learned how to make babies. The mother, rather shaken by the development, called the teacher to complain. 

After listening to the mother complain for a few minutes, the teacher responded, “Did you ask her to explain how it is done?” 

“No,” said the mother. 

“Then ask her and call me back,” replied the teacher. 

“So how DO you make babies?” the mother asked her daughter. 

Susie responded, “You drop the ‘y’ and add ‘ies.'” 

One Liner

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed, and we’re having a meeting.

Two men were chatting in the living room while their wives were in the kitchen. One of the men was telling the other about this wonderful restaurant he and his wife had visited a few days earlier.

“Wow, sounds great! What’s the name of it?”

“Hmm, what was it? Dear me, I’m having a hard time remembering. Oh, what’s that flower with the pink blossom and thorns on the stem?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yeah, that’s it.” Then looking over his shoulder he shouted, “Hey Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?”

One Liner

Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several nurses were wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.

I asked one nurse what the pin signified.

“Nothing,” she said with a smile. “It’s just to keep the doctors away.”

One Liner

My heart says pie and ice cream, but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!

A genie granted me one wish, so I said, “I just want to be happy.”

Now I’m living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

One Liner

Did you know Pharaoh’s daughter was the first recorded female financier? The Bible says she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. 

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

“Don’t worry,” says the guide. “I’ve never seen a ghost all the time I’ve been here”

“How long is that?” asks the girl.

“About three hundred years…”

One Liner

You never realize how little self-control you have until you’re sitting in front of chips and salsa.