If you have ever had to wait in a doctor’s office for what it seems is like an eternity – you will appreciate this story. 

A doctor tells the story when he was having one of those days when he wondered whether he should have stayed in bed. He was running late on his appointments and had a headache.  

He got a surprise when he entered the next examining room. He opened the door with a little less than his usual enthusiasm only to find that his next patient had set him up. He had stretched out on the  examining table and taken the sheet on provided on the table and pulled it over his body and head and had stuck a sign on his chest that simply stated: “TOO LATE!”

One Liner

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. 

Introvert View:
Finally, introverts experience a world that is suited for us. All events cancelled, we don’t even have to go through the trouble of flaking out4/22/2020. No one is making random small talk or physical contact. Everybody minding their business.

Extrovert view:
Once this is all over with, I’m hugging everybody. Get ready for long, awkward hugs. I’m gonna make it weird.

One Liner

Introverts, check in on your extrovert friends. They have no idea how this works.

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?” 

“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed, “Pantyhose!”

One Liner

Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter – the living toom or the bedroom.

Two police officers, who are part of a task force, arrive at a cattle ranch.

The officers tell the rancher, “We need to inspect your ranch for illegally-grown drugs.”

The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

One of the officers verbally explodes saying, “Mister, we have the authority of the state government with us.” 

Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer, “See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the two officers running for their lives and close behind is the rancher’s bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs:

“Your badges! Show him your badges!”

One Liner

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

An old wild west fort was about to be attacked. The wily old general sent for his trusty Sioux scout.

“You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here.”

The trusty scout laid down and put his ear to the ground.

“Large war party,” he said, “maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint; Many many guns. Medicine man also with them.”

“Good grief!” exclaimed the general, “you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?”

“No,” replied the Indian, “I can see under the gate.”

One Liner

A kiss is a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one.

A company owner was asked a question, “How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?”

He smiled & replied, “It’s simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.”

One Liner

One minute you’re young and fun. Next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

“You just go ahead,” the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. “While you’re shopping, I’ll browse in the hardware store.”

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

“Are you buying all this?” his wife asked incredulously.

“Well, yes,” he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, “But look at all the stuff I’m leaving behind!”

One Liner

There is a guy stealing iPhones around town. At some point he’s going to face time.

Two factory workers were talking. “I know how to get some time off from work,” said the man.

“How do you think you will do that?” said the other. He proceeded to show her by climbing up to the rafters and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?

“I’m a light bulb” answered the guy.

“I think you need some time off,” said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The second worker began walking out too.

The boss asked her where did she think she was going?

“Home. I can’t work in the dark.”

One Liner

Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.

An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, “Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?”

The old man grabs the old woman’s hand.

Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?”

The old man puts his arm around the old woman.

Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?”

To the old woman’s surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. “Honey, where are you going?” she says.

The old man replies, “I’m going to get my dentures.”
The old man replies, “I’m going to get my dentures.”

One Liner

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’”

A bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was  offered for his capture.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”

But the bandit didn’t speak English and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish! Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message.

The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, “He said, ‘Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.'”

One Liner

I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?