THINGS TO DO TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER

> Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

> When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught,” and refuse to say anything more

> Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

> During mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

One Liner

Lif is too short.

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite
team’s game. They promised whoever died first, and went to heaven, would
come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did.

He said to Bob, “I have good news and bad news. I’ll tell you the good news
first. There IS baseball in heaven.”

Bob said, “That’s the best news!”

Then Earl said, “Time for the bad news…you’re pitching tomorrow night.”

One Liner

Here’s a tip: Ring your doorbell on your way to bed at night. This will
clear the dogs off the bed long enough for you to get in and be comfortable.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

A: When it falls in love with a yo mama joke

B: When it becomes apparent

C: When you store it in a dad-a-bank

D: When the punchline is full groan

One Liner

A ship carrying a load of red paint collided with a ship carrying a load of purple paint. Both crews were marooned.

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, “A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000.”

There was a moment’s silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, “Two thousand five hundred!”

One Liner

My boss calls me “The Computer.” Nothing to do with intelligence; I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs $500.”
“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.

The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

“That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows computer programming.”

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

“That one costs $2,000.”

“And what does that one do?” the man asked.

The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss.”

One Liner

My friend David had his ID stolen. Now he’s just Dav.

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”

One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

One Liner

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.

It’s not a cat it’s…

> A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.

> A wildlife control expert impersonator.

> An un-programmable animal.

> A four footed allergen.

> A hair relocation expert.

> A treat-seeking missile.

> A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.

> A small, furry lap fungus.

One Liner

I’m going to donate these bags of old clothes to Goodwill, but first I’m going to drive around with them in my trunk for 4 months.

A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up.

Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:

“Time for service.”

One Liner

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Billy Brown decided it was time to buy a new house, so he decided to sell his old house and put the matter in a real estate agent’s hands.

The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.

After Bill read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Does my house have everything your ad says it does?”

The agent said, “It certainly does. Why do you ask?”

Bill replied, “Cancel the sale. It’s exactly what I’m looking for.”

One Liner

I finally watched the documentary about clocks. It was about time.

I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my granddaughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground. You don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied.

At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly, “All Grandmas know this stuff.  It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. “Oh…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa.”

“Exactly,” I replied.

One Liner

Telling someone to calm down is like baptizing a cat.