STC (Senior Texting Codes)

Since more and more seniors citizens are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for senior discounts, these are the codes for you:

ATD: At The Doctor’s

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing…Can’t Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTP: Where’s The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Feel free to add any codes you feel are missing; send the additions back to the person who sent you this so they can update their list:

GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

One Liner
I told my family I never want to depend on a machine and fluids to keep me alive…that’s when they took away my computer and coffee maker!

Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I’d be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel receptionist’s sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it when she answered.

“We have over 300 guests at at this facility,” she said. “Does this ‘Jim’ have a last name?”

One Liner

95% of people are completely STUPID! Luckily, I’m in the other 10%.

After breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”

Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, “About 10 years.”

One Liner

The sentence, “Are you as bored as I am?”, can be read backwards and still make sense.

My four-year-old son told me that it was his stuffed animal’s birthday today. 

Since this was probably the third birthday this animal had in about as many weeks, I commented that she seems to have a lot of birthdays. 

He explained, “Well, the older you get, the faster they come!”

One Liner

Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A bunch of men were sitting around the playing poker. 

“I win!” said Harry.

Joe threw down his cards, “That’s it! I’ve had it! Harry is cheating!!!”

“How can you tell?” Phillip asked.

“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”

One Liner

I had a brilliant thought once but it got lonely and left.

“Doctor, it’s been a month since my last visit, and I still feel miserable.”

“Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?”

“I sure did. The bottle said ‘Keep tightly closed’.”

One Liner

The Five Symptoms of Laziness: 1. 

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

“I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.”

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”

One Liner

When I was a kid, I wanted to be older
this is not what I expected.

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain
basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked.

“135,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”

“5 foot 4,” I said.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took
my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

One Liner

“If you must curse, use your own name.” God

A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest.

After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If you don’t go, I’ll be the only woman there.”

Dad shrugged. “If I go, you’ll still be the only woman there.”

One Liner

Archeologists just announced that they found a mass grave of snowmen. Turned out just to be a field of carrots.

07Seeing a homeless guy begging on the street, a woman took pity on him and gave him a handful of change.

“Thank you,” said the homeless man. “Your generosity is much appreciated. You know my life used to be great, but just look at the state of me now.”

“How do you mean?” asked the woman. 

“Well,” he explained. “I was a multi-millionaire. I had bank accounts all over the world with hundreds of thousands of dollars deposited in each.”

“So where did it all go wrong?” she asked. 

The homeless man sighed, “I forgot my mother’s maiden name.”

One Liner

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go around Earth 24/7. So, they decided to call it a day.