A man feels very ill upon returning to the U.S. from a trip abroad. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. 

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an exceptionally dangerous virus that is extremely contagious!” 

“Oh my gosh,” cries the man in a panic, “What are you going to do?!”

Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.” 

“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, “No, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.

One Liner

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He is a Singer song writer. Or sew it seams.

I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver’s license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.

I replied, “I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?”

She said, “Why didn’t you get a haircut before you came here?”

I replied, “I didn’t need one before I got here!”

One Liner

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts.

Finally one said, “What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?”

The other boy replied thoughtfully, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too.”

One Liner

If anyone wants to sponsor me, I’m doing a 0.0000000025km run to raise awareness for laziness.

Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:

“Oh Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that naughty Peck boy!”

Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust.

“Say, ma,” he objected, “do I look as if I had been playing with anybody?”

One Liner

Learning a new language is kind of like uploading subtitles into your head.

A fisherman is walking from the pier carrying lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets.  Every day I come and whistle and these lobsters jump out of the water.  I take them for a walk and then return them.”

The warden is highly skeptical, so the fisherman says, “If you don’t believe me just watch!” and throws the lobsters into the water.

The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me how they jump out of the water.”

The fisherman says, “What lobsters?”

One Liner

I enjoy the simple little pleasures in life, but every once in a while I want a big, expensive one, too.

Several years ago there was an office intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”

“Just use the copier machine paper,” she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

One Liner

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. The optimist sees the light at the end tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees three nincompoops standing on the tracks.

A pastor began his children’s sermon by holding up his index finger with a string tied around it. He was trying to teach the kids different ways to remember important things.  

He said, “Some people tie a string around their finger to remember something important. What are other ways we can remember?”  

A very sharp 7-year-old raises her hand and the pastor puts the microphone close to her so all can clearly hear her say, “You could use your brain!”

One Liner

If you accidentally listened to your motivation tapes backwards, would you become a failure?

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.

“Great!” Little Johnny replied excitedly.

“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.

“Yeah, Daddy really liked it, too,” exclaimed Little Johnny, “especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”

One Liner

I am at the age where each day is a wonder.  I wonder what is going to hurt today.

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. “You know,” Mom said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”

Susie stopped crying and asked, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

One Liner

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

FIXING THE FENCE AT THE WHITE HOUSE

Three contractors were on a tour of the White House. One is from Minnesota, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Chicago. As they are walking through they notice a broken fence and ask if it would be possible to submit a bid to fix it. They are told of course.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

One Liner

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.