By Ben Cain:

At the airport for his 9-year-old son’s first big trip (by himself) after checking in on the phone with Grandma and Grandpa. 

Dad: “So what did Grandma say on the phone?”

Son: “She said I love you, can’t wait to see you, we’re going to have so much fun…and…uh…something about ‘we will rot you?'”

Dad: “Do you mean ‘spoil you?'”

Solomon: “Yes! That’s the word. I couldn’t find it in my brain.”

One Liner

When I was young, I was poor. But after several years of hard work, I am no longer young.

A Southern preacher found his young son in the kitchen munching on a snack, which he was not supposed to be doing.

The preacher said, “Son, when I told you to stand-uh… on the Word of Gawd-duh, … I did not mean that you should stack-uh … four King James Bible-suh … to reach-uh … the cookie … jaarrrrr!”

One Liner

My wife told me I was immature. I told her to get out of my pillow fort.

Nephew: “Thanks for that harmonica you gave me — it’s the best birthday present ever!”

Uncle: “Well, that’s great! What songs can you play?”

Nephew: “Oh, I don’t play it. Mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and Dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.” 

One Liner

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? 
Swarm.

THEORIES OF CAT BEHAVIOR

LAW OF CAT INERTIA
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE
As yet undiscovered.

One Liner

I’ve had a lot of education, but the one thing that has been the most consistently useful in my life is “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

In the far distant future, in the year 4527, a number of scientists from all over the universe were having a convention on a far distant galaxy. Two beings were seated next to one another when they struck up a conversation.

“Where are you from?” the one asked. 

“I’m from Alpha Century,” he answered. “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Earth,” was the answer.

“I know someone from earth,” the Alpha Centurion said. “His name is John Smith. Do you know him?”

One Liner

“‘Exercise!’ I thought you said, ‘Extrafries.'”

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $10, he couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.” 

“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”

One Liner

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

A mother texting to her son, “John, just found out Aunt Elsie died. LOL”

Son: “Why are you saying LOL?”

Mom: “I am adding Lot’s Of Love.”

Son: “Mom, that means Laughing Out Loud!”

Mom: “Gotta go, I have some urgent calls to make…”

One Liner

Nobody but cattle know why they stampede and they ain’t talking.

Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, a woman arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C., airport. This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where her husband was asked, “What is your reason for entering the country?” and “How long are you planning to stay?”

He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England.

Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same business-like tone: “Is the house clean?” and “Are there fresh flowers on the table?”

One Liner

No matter how stupid you feel, remember Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

One Liner

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

A woman meant to call a music store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme’?” she asked.

“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.”

“Is that a record?” she inquired.

“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”

One Liner

Hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.