Leaving church one Sunday, a woman said to her husband, “Do you think that Flanagan girl is dyeing her hair?” 

“I didn’t even see her,” replied the husband. 

“And that skirt Mrs. Jones was wearing,” continued the wife. “Don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate attire for a mother of four??” 

“I’m afraid I didn’t notice that either,” said the husband. 

“Huh!” scoffed the wife. “A lot of good it does bringing YOU to church.”

One Liner

No matter how hard you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A person calls a pet store: “Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches, at once.”
Astonished clerk: “What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?”
Caller: “I’m moving out today, and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them.”

One Liner

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Can’t get away for a ski vacation?  Just do this:*  Buy a pair of expensive gloves and immediately throw one away.*  Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button, and let the spray blast your face.*  Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $100 dollar bills to warm up.*  Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. There.  Now just sit down and wait for Spring.

One Liner

I used to wear gloves all the time, but now I only wear them intermittenly.

A preacher was riding his bicycle down the street when he noticed a little boy standing in a yard next to the curb with a lawn mower. He asked the little fellow what he was doing, to which the little fellow replied, “I want to sell this mower so I can buy a bicycle.”

The preacher said, “Well son I need a lawn mower and I have this bicycle. Maybe we can work out a trade. Why don’t you ride my bicycle around the block and see what you think about it?”

The little boy went around the block and when he returned the preacher was sitting on the curb red faced and out of breath. The preacher said, “I have pulled on this rope since you left and I can’t get this thing to start.”

The little boy softly said, “You have to cuss.”

The preacher replied, “I haven’t cussed in so long I have forgotten how.”

The little boy replied, “if you pull on that rope long enough you will remember.”

One Liner

I know I am getting older. Just this morning I was thinking what my life was like ten, twenty, even thirty minutes ago.

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears.

“I have three wishes, so I’ll give one to each of you,” the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard. 

“Alright,” he says, “I’ll have a big, juicy, piece of meat.”

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he’d ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

“I know! I’ll have a shower of meat!”

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

“I’ve got it!” he cries, “I want a MEATIER shower!”

One Liner

Give some people an inch and they think they’re rulers.

Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, “I’m sorry about not speaking more clearly. I’ve been to the dentist.”

“You should have used the drive-through,” she said.

“Why?”

“Everyone who goes through sounds like you,” she explained.

One Liner

I won’t say I’m worn out, but I don’t get near the curb on trash day.

Due to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet advised Perry White that he had to let one of his star reporters go. He was really overwhelmed about the magnitude of the decision. 

“Who should go, Clark Kent or Lois Lane?” He actually did some praying, which he hadn’t done for a long time. He asked, “Please, show me a sign.” 

That afternoon he was doing some shopping at Wal*Mart, and when he went to his car he suddenly saw the answer.

The next day he called Clark and Lois into the office and said, “I’m sorry, Lois, but you have to go.” 

After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry aside and asked, “Chief, how did you know which one of us should go?” 

Perry said, “Well, that turned out to be easier than I thought. While I was parking at Walmart, I looked up and there was the sign: FIRE LANE.”

One Liner

My wife and I had a long argument about whose turn it was to do the laundry. In the end, I threw in the towel. 

 was packing for my business trip and my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, “Daddy, look at this” and stuck out two of her fingers. 

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers,” pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. 

I said, “What’s wrong, honey?” 

She replied, “What happened to my booger?”

One Liner

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

One Liner

Good enough is NEVER good enough.

“I’m prescribing these pills for you,” said the doctor to the overweight patient who wanted to lose weight without exercising.

“I don’t want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time.”

One Liner

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you’re likely built upside down.