YOU WILL NEVER BE SORRY…

..for thinking before acting.

..for hearing before judging.

..for forgiving your enemies.

..for being candid and frank.

..for helping a fallen brother.

..for being honest in business.

..for thinking before speaking.

..for being loyal to your church.

..for standing by your principles.

..for closing your ears to gossip.

..for bridling a slanderous tongue.

..for harboring pure thoughts.

..for sympathizing with the afflicted.

..for being courteous and kind to all.

One Liner

Even the darkest hour only has 60 minutes.

John was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a police officer pulled him over for speeding.  Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, “Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?”

“Have you ever gone fishing?” the officer asked.

“Yes,” Walt replied.

“Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?”

One Liner

I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

RULES FOR FREQUENT FLIERS

1.  No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

2.  If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3.  If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4.  Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5.  If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. Or try to type on your laptop.

6.  If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just find the two largest passengers.

7.  Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the bathroom.

8.  The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9.  The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

One Liner

I’d grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

OG BREEDING MADE ABSURD

~ Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet 

~ Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries 

~ Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed 

~ Pekinese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog 

~ Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

~ Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

~ Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

~ Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes 

~ Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly 

~ Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by… oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway

~ Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work 

~ Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end

One Liner

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection. She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns.

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?”

“Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.”

“I tried,” Brian sobbed, “but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?”

“If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.”

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

One Liner

If I had 50 cents for every math test I failed, I’d have $7.20.

BE THANKFUL…

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire.
 If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something,
 for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. 
 During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations,
 because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge,
 because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. 
 They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary,
 because it means you’ve made a difference.

It’s easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

One Liner

He who is grateful is never truly poor, and he who isn’t is never truly rich.

SIGNS YOU’VE EATEN TOO MUCH AT THANKSGIVING DINNER Oneliner If someone from Ziploc could literally contact anyone in the cereal business, that would be great. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt. You’re sweatin’ gravy.  Oneliner If someone from Ziploc could literally contact anyone in the cereal business, that would be great.

THANKSGIVING IN THE UK

A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.

“Yes,” the British journalist replied, “but we celebrate it on the 6th of September.”

“Why then?”

“That’s when you chaps left.” 

One Liner

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

TURKEY RIDDLES
So bad, they’re good…

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
‘Cause they wear their belts on their hats!

What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!

What is the Turkey’s favorite black tie celebration?
The Butter Ball

What do you get when you cross a turkey, the beach, and Broomhilda?
A turkey sand-witch

What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? 
The outside

Why do turkeys eat so little?
Because they are always stuffed

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

What key has legs and can’t open doors?
Tur-key.

What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, hubble, hubble.

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I’ll tell you at Christmas.

One Liner

What kind of person doesn’t like pizza? A weirdough!

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. 

Saint Peter says to this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute!” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”

One Liner

I attempted being a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.