The Judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”
“I do.”
“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”
One Liner
I’m having an out-of-money experience.
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
One Liner
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone.
She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
“Give this to your husband,” he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. “He’s been yelling for it for 15 minutes!”
One Liner
How can “crash course” and “collision course” have two different meanings?
Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, “Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?”
The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars.”
“I’m sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?”
“Hold on, I’m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear.”
“Well, you can’t be disappointed with that!”
“Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars.”
“Incredible… so how come you look so glum?”
“Well, this week…nothing!”
One Liner
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
The math teacher saw that Harold wasn’t paying attention in class so she called on him and said, “Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Lil Harold quickly replied, “NBC, ESPN, Hallmark, and the Cartoon Network.”
One Liner
I burn about 2000 calories every time I put on fitted sheets by myself.
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man who had recently become a Christian wrote the following letter to the IRS:
“I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
One Liner
For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.
Me: “The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches.”
Wife: “Okay, just throw them out.”
[Later]
Me (helping the kids pack a suitcase): “Look, I’m just as surprised as you are.”
One Liner
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
The winner has been named in the world wide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.
MR. POTATO HEAD
He’s tan.
He’s cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
One Liner
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who’s next.
By Ben Cain:
At the airport for his 9-year-old son’s first big trip (by himself) after checking in on the phone with Grandma and Grandpa.
Dad: So what did Grandma say on the phone?
Son: “She said I love you, cant wait to see you, were going to have so much fun…and…uh…something about ‘we will rot you?'”
Dad: “Do you mean ‘spoil you?'”
Solomon: “Yes! That’s the word. I couldn’t find it in my brain.”
One Liner
When I was young, I was poor. But after several years of hard work, I am no longer young.
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