When children come in to the doctor’s office where I work, it’s my job to weigh and measure them.

After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened three-year-old on the scale, her mother said: “Honey, Mommy has a scale at home. Do like I do and stand on it.”

Recognition dawned on the child’s face and she confidently stepped on the scale, looked down and exclaimed, “Oh, darn!”

One Liner

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow” that many times in your first session, but here we are.

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, “I can’t do anything about this – it’s a hardware problem.”

The hardware manager says, “Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself.”

The marketing manager says, “Hey, 75% of it is working – let’s ship it!”

One Liner

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves when she does.

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.  Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.  His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

“I was totally humiliated,” he moaned.  “She insisted on washing the dishes.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother.

“We hadn’t started eating yet.”

One Liner

A police office came to my house and asked where I was between 5 and 6. He seemed irritated when I answered “kindergarten.”

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?” 

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made.” 

Two days later she asks her father the same question. 

The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys and we developed from them.” 

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Dad says we developed from monkeys?” 

The mother answers, “That’s simple, honey. I told you about the origin of my side of the family and your father told you about his side.”

One Liner

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password. We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 5 minutes.

Clerk: “Should I have your pizza cut into six slices or twelve?”

Customer: “Six, please. I could never eat twelve slices.”

One Liner

So, is macaroni and cheese “mac” because it’s short for macaroni
or is it because “mac” is an acronym for macaroni and cheese?

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. 

She showed him a bottle costing $50. 

“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. 

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained. 

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. 

“What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.” 

The clerk handed him a mirror.

One Liner

I taught my dog how to beg. Yesterday he came home with $14.37.

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three male ministers siding against the female minister. 

The woman prayed, “Lord, I know I’m right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it.” A big storm cloud materialized and there was a clap of thunder. 

“See,” said the woman. “It’s a sign from above.” The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon.

“Dear Lord,” the woman prayed, “I need a bigger sign.” This time, a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree. 

“See! I told you I was right,” the woman said. But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn’t be explained by natural causes.

“Help me, Lord,” the woman implored. And a deep voice came from the heavens: “SSSHHHEEE’S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!”

The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, “Well?”

“Okay, okay,” they said. “Now it’s three against two.”

One Liner

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: The toilet brush is never a microphone…NEVER!

Two businessmen walk into a diner in the countryside. They have decided to stop there for lunch, so without ordering anything they sit down, take out sandwiches from their bags and begin to eat them.

The waiter sees this and says to them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

So the businessmen look at each other, shrug, and swap sandwiches.

One Liner

I keep adjusting the brightness control on my TV but it’s still as stupid as ever.

MURPHY’S TECHNOLOGY LAWS

~ Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

~ All’s well that ends.

~ A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

~ New systems generate new problems.

~ The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

~ The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

~ To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

~ After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.

~ Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

~ If it’s not in the computer, it doesn’t exist.

~ Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

~ Any attempt to print Murphy’s laws will jam the printer.

One Liner

I told my suitcases that there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.