There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.

The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window.

The driver is a squirrel.

The squirrel looks the man in the eye and says, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”

One Liner

Mmm! Just took a pan of fresh-baked synonym rolls out of the oven! Just like grammar used to make!

A man was driving down the highway late one night when his minivan broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone’s attention to help him. Eventually a Lamborghini Countach pulls up. 

“Any chance I could get a lift into town?” said the minivan driver.

“I can do better than that,” the man driving the Countach replied. “I’ve got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast.”

They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev its engine to get the Countach to race. The Countach revs its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.

The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, “Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countach were driving down the road doing about 120 with a minivan honking its horn and flashing its lights trying to pass them!”

One Liner

Seen it all. Done it all. Can’t remember most of it.

A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog.

“It’s terrible,” said the man, “I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can’t go past a lamp post any more.”

“Okay,” said the psychiatrist. “Lie down on the couch.”

The man replied, “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

One Liner

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle. 

Reporters were interviewing a 104-year-old woman. 

“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. 

She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

One Liner

What did the air-head say about Cheerios? “Oh look! Doughnut seeds!”

PROOF YOU’RE AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER

~ Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

~ Do you move your dinner partner’s glass away from the edge of the table?

~ Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?

~ Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

~ Do you declare “no cuts” when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?

~ Do you ask “Are you sure you did your best?” to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?

~ Do you sing the “Alphabet Song” to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?

~ Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

One Liner

Stock up and save. Limit one. 

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to “Go forth and multiply!”

He’s closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.

So he says to them, “Didn’t you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply.”

“We can’t,” said the snakes. “We’re adders.”

[think hard]

One Liner

Sure worry works: 98% of the things I worry about don’t happen.

A lady sent in a long obituary. The paper called and told her the cost was so much per word.

“Oh, my” she said, “Just change that to ‘George died.'”

The paper then told her that there was a five word minimum.

“Well,” she said, “make that ‘George died, Buick for sale.'”

One Liner

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Okay, what is the deal with “The early bird gets the worm”? 

He gets up early, and all he gets is a worm? It says “the worm,” which means one single worm. That seems not very fair, for a bird that goes through the trouble of getting up early.

Myself, I would rather sleep late and get the “worm and grub” brunch special at the local diner. I can’t imagine that an early 5:00 AM worm is going to taste that much better than a plate of later 11:00 AM worms.

And, speaking of which, what’s the deal with the early worm? He gets up early, to get a start on the day, because he has loads of work to do, and he gets eaten by a bird! Where is the moral of the story, when the lazy worms don’t get eaten? Isn’t that hypocritical? Seems to me that all the smart worms either work nights, or sleep late and get up after lunch. 

Isn’t that sending the wrong message to our kids?

One Liner

I really am going to conquer my problem with procrastinating. You just wait and see.

Little Susie came home from school whining, “Mommy, I’ve got a stomachache.”

“That’s because your stomach is empty,” her mother replied. “You’d feel better if you had something in it.”

She gave Susie a snack and, sure enough, Susie felt better right away.

That evening when Daddy came home, he said he had a bad headache.

Susie perked up. “That’s because it’s empty,” she said. “You’d feel better if you had something in it.”

One Liner

My train of thought sometimes leaves the station without me.

The tot had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother’s patience was wearing thin.

“I don’t want to hear you call ‘Mother’ one more time!” she warned him sternly.

After a few minutes of quiet, a small voice came from upstairs: “Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?”

One Liner

I AM in shape. Round is a shape.