I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir.

After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, “You sounded fine! I will have you sing a solo.”

“You mean…by myself right up front,” I asked?

“No,” he said, “I mean you should sing so low that we can’t hear you.”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive Christmastime, don’t you?

The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.

After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny’s had an odd element in it. “Johnny,” began the teacher, “I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?

“It’s the flea, teacher.”

“What flea?” she asked.

The boy faithfully replied, “The Bible verse says, ‘Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt.'”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Dexter. Dexter who? Dexter halls with boughs of holly…

During a final exam in December, one of the questions was: The value of x + x(xx) when x = 2 is: (a) 10, (b) 16, (c) 18, (d) 36, (e) 64

One of the students wrote: “God knows! I don’t. Merry Christmas!”

The exam paper came back with the prof’s notation: “God gets 100. You get zero. Happy New Year.”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Santa. Santa who? Santa Christmas card to you, did you get it?

A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I were talking. He asked, “Mom, is there a Santa Claus?”

“Well, what do you think?” I asked him.

He replied, “Well, my PlayStation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper.”

He thought for a minute and said, “I’ll tell you what … you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let’s just forget we ever had this talk!”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Avery. Avery who? Avery merry Christmas to you!

The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.

After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny’s had an odd element in it. “Johnny,” began the teacher, “I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?

“It’s the flea, teacher.”

“What flea?” she asked.

The boy faithfully replied, “The Bible verse says, ‘Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt.'”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Dexter. Dexter who? Dexter halls with boughs of holly…

A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I were talking. He asked, “Mom, is there a Santa Claus?”

“Well, what do you think?” I asked him.

He replied, “Well, my PlayStation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper.”

He thought for a minute and said, “I’ll tell you what … you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let’s just forget we ever had this talk!”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Avery. Avery who? Avery merry Christmas to you!

During a final exam in December, one of the questions was: The value of x + x(xx) when x = 2 is: (a) 10, (b) 16, (c) 18, (d) 36, (e) 64

One of the students wrote: “God knows! I don’t. Merry Christmas!”

The exam paper came back with the prof’s notation: “God gets 100. You get zero. Happy New Year.”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Santa. Santa who? Santa Christmas card to you, did you get it?

A couple travel to visit their son and his family for Christmas.

Grandpa sees a beautiful nativity set in their house. He asks his little granddaughter if she knows what it is. 

She replies, “Yes…it’s breakable.”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Holly. Holly who? Holly-days are here again!

Four-year-old Johnny was eating a hot dog when he dropped it on the floor. He quickly picked it up and was about to take another bite when his mom said, “No, Johnny, you can’t eat that now it has germs.”

Johnny pondered the thought a moment and replied, “Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus – that’s all I ever hear about and I haven’t seen one of ’em yet!”

One Liner

It’s officially the season of letting vague Santa threats do about 80 percent of my parenting.