A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of  headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.

“Oh, OK!” said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

One Liner

Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior going on.

So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”

God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.” 

God was not pleased. So He decided to email the 5% who were good to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either.

One Liner

Maybe eating tacos wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my tacos.

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, “Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side.”

Very quietly, the doctor said, “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?”

The doctor was holding the handle of the door. On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, “Did you notice my dog? He’s never been in this room before. He didn’t know what was inside.  He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing…I know my Master is there and that is enough.”

One Liner

What your heart possesses, your life expresses.

A young man is being trained as a steamship helmsman. In his first time at the wheel, the mate gives him a heading and then orders, “Come starboard.”

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate suggests gently, “Could you bring the ship with you?”

One Liner

If Cher were to get cloned, would she be Cher and Cher alike?

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

“Don’t worry,” says the guide. “I’ve never seen a ghost all the time I’ve been here”

“How long is that?” asks the girl.

“About three hundred years…”

One Liner

You never realize how little self-control you have until you’re sitting in front of chips and salsa.

A guy received a parrot as a gift.  The parrot was gorgeous, but it had a bad attitude and a filthy vocabulary.  Every word out of its beak was rude, foul, and profane.  The guy spent months trying to change the bird’s attitude: speaking only polite words, treating the bird gently, playing soft music, etc.  Nothing seemed to “clean up” the bird’s outlook or vocabulary.

Finally, the guy got fed up and yelled at the parrot.  The parrot yelled back.  He shook the parrot; it got angrier, louder, and even ruder.  In desperation, he grabbed the bird and threw it into the freezer.   For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.  Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, the guy quickly opened the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate behavior and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my bad attitude and unforgivable vocabulary.”

The guy was stunned!  Before he could reply, the bird asked carefully, “Might I ask what the chicken did?”

One Liner

When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish? 

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.
~ Read less. Makes you think.
~ Watch more TV and Netflix. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
~ Spend more time at work and on social media.
~ Stop bringing lunch from home – eat out more.
~ Get in a whole NEW rut!
~ Start being superstitious.
~ Create loose ends.
~ Get more toys.
~ Get further in debt.
~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
~ Wait for opportunity to knock.
~ Focus on the faults of others.
~ Mope about my faults.
~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One Liner

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!” 

One Liner

My new year’s resolution is to read more.  So, I’ve permanently turned on the TV subtitles.

15 EXERCISES WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2024…

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic 

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

~ Running with scissors

One Liner

My goal for 2024 is to accomplish the goals of 2023 which I should have done in 2022 because I made a promise in 2021 and planned in 2020.

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

2020: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2021: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2022: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2023: I will work out 3 days a week.

2024: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

One Liner

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.