A handyman was working for a temple in Allentown, PA, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.

First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question.

The priest asked, “Where was Jesus born?”

The man answered, “Pittsburgh,” and was shown the door.

He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question.

He was asked, “Where was Jesus born?”

The man answered, “Philadelphia.”

He was dismissed.

Walking away, he encountered the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, “The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately.”

The man said to the rabbi, “I will come back only if you answer a question. Where was Jesus born?

The rabbi says, “Bethlehem.”

“HA!,” cries the man. “I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania.”

One Liner

My goal is to have $50,000 by the end of February. I already got $3.03.

While a woman was out of town, a neighbor came to borrow a fancy pie pan.  Of course the woman’s husband was happy to lend it to her.

The pie pan was returned a few days later filled with an apple pie.  

When the woman asked her husband where the pie came from, he told her about the loan and explained: “Our neighbor said she never returns something without filling it up.”

“Good!” the woman replied. “You should let her borrow our checkbook.”

One Liner

Just went over my bank account and figured out I can live comfortably if I quit my job, without working the rest of my life, as long as I die on Friday.

While a woman was out of town, a neighbor came to borrow a fancy pie pan.  Of course the woman’s husband was happy to lend it to her.

The pie pan was returned a few days later filled with an apple pie.  

When the woman asked her husband where the pie came from, he told her about the loan and explained: “Our neighbor said she never returns something without filling it up.”

“Good!” the woman replied. “You should let her borrow our checkbook.”

One Liner

Just went over my bank account and figured out I can live comfortably if I quit my job, without working the rest of my life, as long as I die on Friday.

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the girl a quarter and a dollar for church. “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl.

Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.

“Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so that’s what I did.”

One Liner

Just when you think you’ve won the rat race, along come faster rats.

A fellow who loved to go out in his kayak whenever he could. 

One winter it was very cold, so he built a fire on a metal lined pad on the floor of the boat. 

The fire burned through the pad, causing the boat to sink. 

This proves that we cannot have our kayak and heat it, too.

One Liner

Just found out the company that produces yardsticks won’t be making them any longer.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the  entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, her husband yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

One Liner

Sorry I’m late. I got here as soon as I wanted to.

The little turtle climbs the tree very slowly, very painfully. Then she crawls along a branch, to the very end, and when she finally gets to the edge, she jumps. And she falls. But she doesn’t get discouraged.

So she walks to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls to the ground.

Again, with a stubborn look in her face, the little turtle walks slowly to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls.

In a nearby tree a couple of pigeons are looking at the little turtle. Walk, climb, crawl, jump. Fall. And all over again.

After a while one of the pigeons ask the other, “Hey honey, don’t you think its time we tell her that she’s adopted?”

One Liner

The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat; it’s watching what other people eat.

A little boy wanted $100 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, they decided to send it to the President.                     

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and the government deducted $95 in taxes.

One Liner

Question: Have we tried exploding all of the food to see if it makes it better, or did we just stop with corn?

A professor gave a big exam to his students. When he collected the papers, one student had attached a $100 bill with a note saying: “A dollar per point.”

The next day the student got his test score and $64 change.

One Liner

Time-saving tip: Everything can be filed under Miscellaneous.

A woman had an attack of laryngitis and lost her voice completely for two days.

To help her communicate, her husband devised a system of taps.

One tap meant “Give me a kiss,” two taps meant “Yes,” seven taps meant “No,” and 95 taps meant “Take out the garbage.”

One Liner

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.