Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, “I’m sorry about not speaking more clearly. I’ve been to the dentist.”
“You should have used the drive-through,” she said.
“Why?”
“Everyone who goes through sounds like you,” she explained.
One Liner
I won’t say I’m worn out, but I don’t get near the curb on trash day.
Due to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet advised Perry White that he had to let one of his star reporters go. He was really overwhelmed about the magnitude of the decision.
“Who should go, Clark Kent or Lois Lane?” He actually did some praying, which he hadn’t done for a long time. He asked, “Please, show me a sign.”
That afternoon he was doing some shopping at Wal*Mart, and when he went to his car he suddenly saw the answer.
The next day he called Clark and Lois into the office and said, “I’m sorry, Lois, but you have to go.”
After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry aside and asked, “Chief, how did you know which one of us should go?”
Perry said, “Well, that turned out to be easier than I thought. While I was parking at Walmart, I looked up and there was the sign: FIRE LANE.”
One Liner
My wife and I had a long argument about whose turn it was to do the laundry. In the end, I threw in the towel.
was packing for my business trip and my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, “Daddy, look at this” and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers,” pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”
She replied, “What happened to my booger?”
One Liner
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
WIFE: I clean the toilet.
HUSBAND: How does that help?
WIFE: I use your toothbrush.
One Liner
Good enough is NEVER good enough.
“I’m prescribing these pills for you,” said the doctor to the overweight patient who wanted to lose weight without exercising.
“I don’t want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time.”
One Liner
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you’re likely built upside down.
Sam: Do you know the difference between a guest towel and toilet paper?
Bob: No…
Sam: In that case, don’t use our bathroom.
One Liner
God says we should love everybody — but some people need to be loved from a distance.
When we were looking to buy property, an overzealous realtor showed us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm.
I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds on the property were hardly even growing.
The smiling super salesman said, “Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze, and some good people.”
I replied, “Yeah, I agree. But couldn’t the same thing be said of hell?”
One Liner
I am one with the universe – on a scale from one to ten.
What do skeletons order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the scary movie?
He didn’t have the guts.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
Where does a skeleton go for a fun night?
Anywhere, as long as it’s a hip joint.
Do you know any skeleton jokes?
Yes, but you wouldn’t find it very humerus.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite song?
“Bad to the Bone.”
One Liner
Why was Cinderella bad at football?
Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.
LEGITIMATE QUESTIONS FOR SENIORS
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
One Liner
You know you’ve got paranoia when you can’t think of anything that is your fault.
A customer walks into a dress shop and ask, “May I try on that dress in the window?”
The salesperson replies, “We prefer you use the dressing rooms.”
One Liner
Text without context is pretext.
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