Reporters were interviewing a 104-year-old woman. 

“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. 

She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

One Liner

What did the air-head say about Cheerios? “Oh look! Doughnut seeds!”

PROOF YOU’RE AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER

~ Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

~ Do you move your dinner partner’s glass away from the edge of the table?

~ Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?

~ Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

~ Do you declare “no cuts” when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?

~ Do you ask “Are you sure you did your best?” to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?

~ Do you sing the “Alphabet Song” to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?

~ Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

One Liner

Stock up and save. Limit one. 

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to “Go forth and multiply!”

He’s closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.

So he says to them, “Didn’t you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply.”

“We can’t,” said the snakes. “We’re adders.”

[think hard]

One Liner

Sure worry works: 98% of the things I worry about don’t happen.

A lady sent in a long obituary. The paper called and told her the cost was so much per word.

“Oh, my” she said, “Just change that to ‘George died.'”

The paper then told her that there was a five word minimum.

“Well,” she said, “make that ‘George died, Buick for sale.'”

One Liner

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Okay, what is the deal with “The early bird gets the worm”? 

He gets up early, and all he gets is a worm? It says “the worm,” which means one single worm. That seems not very fair, for a bird that goes through the trouble of getting up early.

Myself, I would rather sleep late and get the “worm and grub” brunch special at the local diner. I can’t imagine that an early 5:00 AM worm is going to taste that much better than a plate of later 11:00 AM worms.

And, speaking of which, what’s the deal with the early worm? He gets up early, to get a start on the day, because he has loads of work to do, and he gets eaten by a bird! Where is the moral of the story, when the lazy worms don’t get eaten? Isn’t that hypocritical? Seems to me that all the smart worms either work nights, or sleep late and get up after lunch. 

Isn’t that sending the wrong message to our kids?

One Liner

I really am going to conquer my problem with procrastinating. You just wait and see.

Little Susie came home from school whining, “Mommy, I’ve got a stomachache.”

“That’s because your stomach is empty,” her mother replied. “You’d feel better if you had something in it.”

She gave Susie a snack and, sure enough, Susie felt better right away.

That evening when Daddy came home, he said he had a bad headache.

Susie perked up. “That’s because it’s empty,” she said. “You’d feel better if you had something in it.”

One Liner

My train of thought sometimes leaves the station without me.

The tot had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother’s patience was wearing thin.

“I don’t want to hear you call ‘Mother’ one more time!” she warned him sternly.

After a few minutes of quiet, a small voice came from upstairs: “Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?”

One Liner

I AM in shape. Round is a shape. 

The Judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”

“I do.”

“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”

“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

One Liner

I’m having an out-of-money experience. 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. 

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?” 

One Liner

How do I set my laser printer on stun? 

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.

Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone.

She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

“Give this to your husband,” he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. “He’s been yelling for it for 15 minutes!”

One Liner

How can “crash course” and “collision course” have two different meanings?