One evening, a bird-lover stood in his backyard and hooted like an owl — and an owl called back to him!  They had a whole “conversation.”

He tried it again the next night, and the next — and the owl always answered.  He was fascinated.

Sometime later his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. “My husband spends his nights … calling out to owls,” she said.

“That’s odd,” the neighbor replied. “So does my husband.”

Just then it dawned on them.

One Liner

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished a Krispy Kreme, 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already…

A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.

“You don’t understand, sir,” my friend said. “I’m in the wedding.”

“No, YOU don’t understand,” the officer replied. “You’re in the Navy.”

One Liner

The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese. 

A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthful items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies.

The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, “This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual.”

“Why is that?” the mother asked.

“We ate a third of the cookies on the way home,” he replied.

One Liner

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Paul: What are you making?

Arthur: A brilliant new invention. 

Paul: Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Arthur: Go ahead and laugh. They laughed at Edison, they laughed at Bell,
they laughed at Geck.

Paul: Who’s Geck?

Arthur: You mean you never heard of Charles Geck?
.
Paul: No, what did he invent?

Arthur: Nothing, but they sure laughed at him.

One Liner

I have friends who exercise every day. I’m watching a TV show I don’t like
because the remote fell on the floor.

At a Texas Dude Ranch:

Tenderfoot: “Can we ride some horses now?”

Cowpoke: “Sure.  You want a Western or English saddle?”

Tenderfoot: “What’s the difference?”

Cowpoke: “The Western saddle is the one with the horn.”

Tenderfoot: “The one without the horn is fine.  I don’t expect we’ll run
into too much traffic.”

One Liner

A dog accepts you as the boss. A cat wants to see your resume.

Dearest Lauren,

I’m so sorry for the things I said.  I’ve been unable to sleep since I broke off our relationship last month.  I think about you day and night. Your absence is breaking my heart and recently I’ve begun to realize that nobody can take your place.  Sweetheart, I miss you so much.  Please call me.

All my love,

Robert 

P.S. Congratulations on winning last week’s Powerball Lottery.

One Liner

I’m going to live forever, or die trying.

A man suffered a heart attack while shopping in a store. The store manager called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.  The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital, where he had emergency open-heart bypass surgery. 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital . A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard, a pen, and a collection of forms. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.  

She asked, “Do you have health insurance?”  He replied in a weak raspy voice, “No health insurance.” 

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.” 

The irritated nun continued, “Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?”  He replied, “I have only a spinster sister and she is a nun.” 

The nun became agitated and announced, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!” 

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

One Liner

9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.

The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window.

The driver is a squirrel.

The squirrel looks the man in the eye and says, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”

One Liner

Mmm! Just took a pan of fresh-baked synonym rolls out of the oven! Just like grammar used to make!

A man was driving down the highway late one night when his minivan broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone’s attention to help him. Eventually a Lamborghini Countach pulls up. 

“Any chance I could get a lift into town?” said the minivan driver.

“I can do better than that,” the man driving the Countach replied. “I’ve got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast.”

They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev its engine to get the Countach to race. The Countach revs its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.

The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, “Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countach were driving down the road doing about 120 with a minivan honking its horn and flashing its lights trying to pass them!”

One Liner

Seen it all. Done it all. Can’t remember most of it.

A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog.

“It’s terrible,” said the man, “I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can’t go past a lamp post any more.”

“Okay,” said the psychiatrist. “Lie down on the couch.”

The man replied, “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

One Liner

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.