THE VALENTINE’S DAY TEN COMMANDMENTS

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt have no other squeeze before me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth her behind her back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy–or else.
IV.  Honor MY mother and father. THINE are just too weird.
V.  Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily or cause undue embarrassment when I am with thee.
VI.  Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it least you be smitten from the earth.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in the bath, nor use my credit cards.
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house without first puttin’ down the remote and learnin’ how to use a paintbrush!
X.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s main Squeeze, nor his son, nor his daughter, nor his stereo, nor his BMW, nor anything else that belongs to thy neighbor.

One Liner

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus flight, a boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” 

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, “Well, how was that?” 

The airplane pilot answers: “Very impressive, but now have a look here!” 

The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, “Well, what are you saying now?” 

The jet pilot asks confused: “What did you do?” 

The other laughs and says, “I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake.”

One Liner

Greg went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

Can’t get away for a ski vacation?  Just do this:

*  Buy a pair of expensive gloves and immediately throw one away.

*  Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button, and let the spray blast your face.

*  Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $100 dollar bills to warm up.

*  Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. 

There.  Now just sit down and wait for Spring.

One Liner

Do two normal people make one paranormal?

CAR CLASSIFIED AD CLAIMS

If the car ad claims . . . what it really means

~ rough condition . . . too bad to lie about

~ parts car . . . beyond repair

~ immaculate . . . recently washed

~ engine quiet . . . if you use 90-weight oil

~ needs minor overhaul . . . needs engine

~ needs major overhaul . . . phone the junkyard

~ burns no oil . . . it all leaked out

~ rebuilt engine . . . cleaned the spark plugs

~ drive it away . . . I live on a hill

~ drive it anywhere . . . within 10 miles

~ desirable classic . . . no one wants it

~ rare classic . . . no one wanted it even when it was new

~ stored 20 years . . . in a farmer’s field

~ ran when stored . . . won’t start

One Liner

I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

LETTER FROM COLLEGE…

Dear Dad, 

$chool i$ really great. I’ve made lot$ of friend$ and am $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. 

Love, your $on 

REPLY FROM DAD…. 

Dear Son, 

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study hard eNOugh. 

Love, Dad.

One Liner

Did you know that Adam and Eve were the first couple to not read and understand the fine print on their Apple contract?

The priest said, “Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.” 

Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her, ‘Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two  words.” 

Sister Mary said, “Hard bed.”  

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the priest said, “We will get you a better bed.” 

After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest: “You may say another two words, Sister Mary.” 

“Cold food,” said Sister Mary, and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. 

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister Mary in to his office. “You may say two words today.” 

“I quit,” said Sister Mary. “It’s probably best,” said the priest, “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

One Liner

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income. 

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said “Your successor won’t be as good as you.”

“Nonsense,” said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

“No, really,” said the old lady, “I’ve been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last.”

One Liner

Doctors got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the results were staggering.

A sailor didn’t like anything he saw in the mess/food line, so he just picked up a large piece of chocolate cake. The cook asked, “Is that all you’re gonna eat?”

The sailor said, “Yeah, the rest of it doesn’t look too appetizing.”

The cook smiled and said, “Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?”

The sailor said, “Yeah, man, I’d appreciate it!”

The cook leaned over and cut the sailor’s piece of cake in half.

One Liner

Dave lost his wife’s audiobook, and now he’ll never hear the end of it.

Q&A ABOUT RETIREMENT

Question:  When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer:  Three hours after falling asleep on the couch.

Question:  How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:  Only one, but it might take all day.

Question:  What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:  There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:  Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:  The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question:  What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:  NUTS!

Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer:  They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:  Normal.

Question:  What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question:  Why do retirees often say they don’t miss work, but miss the people they used to work with?
Answer:  They are too polite to tell the whole truth.

One Liner

A bald man got a great deal on a wig today – only $1! It was a small price toupee.

Daughter: Alexa, play Let It Go.

Dad: When I was your age, I had to call a radio station, wait on hold for 30 minutes to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour for my song to play with a blank cassette tape so I could record it. 

Daughter: I don’t understand any of that.

One Liner

Looking to comfort a friend of mine who struggles with grammar, I patted her arm gently and said, “There, they’re, their.”