BE THANKFUL…

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire.
 If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something,
 for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. 
 During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations,
 because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge,
 because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. 
 They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary,
 because it means you’ve made a difference.

It’s easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

One Liner

He who is grateful is never truly poor, and he who isn’t is never truly rich.

SIGNS YOU’VE EATEN TOO MUCH AT THANKSGIVING DINNER Oneliner If someone from Ziploc could literally contact anyone in the cereal business, that would be great. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt. You’re sweatin’ gravy.  Oneliner If someone from Ziploc could literally contact anyone in the cereal business, that would be great.

THANKSGIVING IN THE UK

A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.

“Yes,” the British journalist replied, “but we celebrate it on the 6th of September.”

“Why then?”

“That’s when you chaps left.” 

One Liner

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

TURKEY RIDDLES
So bad, they’re good…

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
‘Cause they wear their belts on their hats!

What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!

What is the Turkey’s favorite black tie celebration?
The Butter Ball

What do you get when you cross a turkey, the beach, and Broomhilda?
A turkey sand-witch

What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? 
The outside

Why do turkeys eat so little?
Because they are always stuffed

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

What key has legs and can’t open doors?
Tur-key.

What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, hubble, hubble.

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I’ll tell you at Christmas.

One Liner

What kind of person doesn’t like pizza? A weirdough!

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. 

Saint Peter says to this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute!” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”

One Liner

I attempted being a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. 

Leaving church one Sunday, a woman said to her husband, “Do you think that Flanagan girl is dyeing her hair?” 

“I didn’t even see her,” replied the husband. 

“And that skirt Mrs. Jones was wearing,” continued the wife. “Don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate attire for a mother of four??” 

“I’m afraid I didn’t notice that either,” said the husband. 

“Huh!” scoffed the wife. “A lot of good it does bringing YOU to church.”

One Liner

No matter how hard you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A person calls a pet store: “Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches, at once.”
Astonished clerk: “What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?”
Caller: “I’m moving out today, and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them.”

One Liner

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Can’t get away for a ski vacation?  Just do this:*  Buy a pair of expensive gloves and immediately throw one away.*  Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button, and let the spray blast your face.*  Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $100 dollar bills to warm up.*  Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. There.  Now just sit down and wait for Spring.

One Liner

I used to wear gloves all the time, but now I only wear them intermittenly.

A preacher was riding his bicycle down the street when he noticed a little boy standing in a yard next to the curb with a lawn mower. He asked the little fellow what he was doing, to which the little fellow replied, “I want to sell this mower so I can buy a bicycle.”

The preacher said, “Well son I need a lawn mower and I have this bicycle. Maybe we can work out a trade. Why don’t you ride my bicycle around the block and see what you think about it?”

The little boy went around the block and when he returned the preacher was sitting on the curb red faced and out of breath. The preacher said, “I have pulled on this rope since you left and I can’t get this thing to start.”

The little boy softly said, “You have to cuss.”

The preacher replied, “I haven’t cussed in so long I have forgotten how.”

The little boy replied, “if you pull on that rope long enough you will remember.”

One Liner

I know I am getting older. Just this morning I was thinking what my life was like ten, twenty, even thirty minutes ago.

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears.

“I have three wishes, so I’ll give one to each of you,” the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard. 

“Alright,” he says, “I’ll have a big, juicy, piece of meat.”

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he’d ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

“I know! I’ll have a shower of meat!”

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

“I’ve got it!” he cries, “I want a MEATIER shower!”

One Liner

Give some people an inch and they think they’re rulers.