ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A NEW MOTHER-IN-LAW

Any day now, I’ll get my mother-in-law’s annual letter to us, which will go something like this:

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don’t worry. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you’ll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they’ll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me — we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she’s never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it’s time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don’t you worry about me. I’m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don’t you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is–the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love,
Mom

One Liner

I know. I know. People say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift,” but couldn’t people think a bit bigger?! 

A mother enters her daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great joy that I tell you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, even with all his piercing and tattoos, and I love riding on the back of his big motorcycle.

But it’s not only that mom, I’m pregnant and Jimmy said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams.

I’ve learned that marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the moodnshine we may want.

Don’t worry Mom, I’m 18 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I’ll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, 
Judith

PS: Mom, it’s not true. I’m next door at Sandy’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in the desk drawer…I love you!

One Liner

Amazon is approved for drone delivery, which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

A guy gets shipwrecked and washes up on a beach.

The sand is dark red. He can’t believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He’s shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red, too.

“Oh no!!” he says. “I’ve been marooned!!”

One Liner

We tend to criticize others not because they have faults, but because their faults are different from ours.

Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific island. Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, “This island is uninhabited. There is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!”

The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms, and responded, “No, we’re not. I make over $100,000 a week.”

The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. “Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!”

The other man, unruffled, again responded, “No, I make over $100,000 a week.”

Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer, again repeated, “For the last time, I’m telling you we are doomed! There is NO ONE else on this island. There is NO food. There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we ARE going to die!”

Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, “Don’t make me say this again. I make over $100,000 per week. I tithe 10 percent. My pastor WILL find us!”

One Liner

The trouble with the rat race is even if you win, you’re still a rat.

A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the minister. The minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yes sir, I am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. 

“Have you found Jesus?” the minister asked. 

“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The minister then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?” 

“No, I did not!” said the drunk again.

Disgusted the minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands. 

“For the Grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

One Liner

A human being is the most intricate device that can be produced by unskilled labor.

YOU WILL NEVER BE SORRY…

..for thinking before acting.

..for hearing before judging.

..for forgiving your enemies.

..for being candid and frank.

..for helping a fallen brother.

..for being honest in business.

..for thinking before speaking.

..for being loyal to your church.

..for standing by your principles.

..for closing your ears to gossip.

..for bridling a slanderous tongue.

..for harboring pure thoughts.

..for sympathizing with the afflicted.

..for being courteous and kind to all.

One Liner

Even the darkest hour only has 60 minutes.

John was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a police officer pulled him over for speeding.  Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, “Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?”

“Have you ever gone fishing?” the officer asked.

“Yes,” Walt replied.

“Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?”

One Liner

I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

RULES FOR FREQUENT FLIERS

1.  No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

2.  If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3.  If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4.  Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5.  If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. Or try to type on your laptop.

6.  If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just find the two largest passengers.

7.  Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the bathroom.

8.  The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9.  The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

One Liner

I’d grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

OG BREEDING MADE ABSURD

~ Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet 

~ Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries 

~ Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed 

~ Pekinese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog 

~ Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

~ Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

~ Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

~ Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes 

~ Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly 

~ Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by… oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway

~ Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work 

~ Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end

One Liner

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection. She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns.

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?”

“Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.”

“I tried,” Brian sobbed, “but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?”

“If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.”

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

One Liner

If I had 50 cents for every math test I failed, I’d have $7.20.