A little boy’s birthday gift from Grandma was a water pistol.
Mom said to Grandma, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”
Grandma grinned. “Oh, yes, I certainly do.”
One Liner
Online meetings: Not muting your mic is the new Reply To All.
Little Johnny asks the teacher, Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?
Mrs Roberts is shocked, Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair.
Little Johnny is relieved, Okay, Mrs Roberts, good to know. By the way, I didn’t do my homework last night.”
One Liner
Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It’s called On & On Anon.
A snail was involved in an accident that resulted in his shell being torn completely off.
Hearing about the accident, one of his friends rushed over (as much as a snail can rush) to his friend’s house.
“I heard about your accident!” he exclaimed, and then asked, “How are you feeling?”
The recovering snail answered, “Sluggish.”
One Liner
Recipe for iced coffee: Have kids, make coffee, get distracted and forget you made coffee, drink it cold 3 hours later.
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”
“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me pass gas.”
One Liner
So many people these days are judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.
YOU MIGHT BE A PASTOR IF…
~ You’ve waded in a creek wearing a necktie.
~ You’ve ever dreamed you were preaching only to waken and discover that you were.
~ You’d rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.
~ You see a picnic as no picnic.
~ You’ve ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation search committee.
~ You’ve been tempted to take up an offering at a family reunion.
~ You’ve ever wanted to give the sound man some feedback of your own.
~ You’ve ever wanted to lay hands on a deacon, and you didn’t mean praying for him.
~ You often feel like you are herding cats instead of shepherding sheep.
~ Your sermons have a happy ending…everyone’s happy when it ends.
~ You’ve never preached on TV, because your wife made you get down before you broke something.
~ You feel that it is your job to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.
One Liner
My Optometrist just told me I had 2020 vision. I told him I wanted a 2nd opinion.
BEST OUT OF OFFICE MESSAGES
~ I am currently at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get
the position.
~ You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
~ I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from vacation on April 4th. Please be patient and your mail
will be deleted in the order it was received.
~ Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the
first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
~ The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable
to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again
~ Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You
are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
~ I’ve run away to join a different circus.
One Liner
If dogs understood peanut butter cups, they would find it cruel that we took
one of their favorite people foods and stuffed it in a shell of poison.
Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris?
Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.
Son: Thanks, Dad.
Dad: No problem, Quarantine.
One Liner
Sleeping late is considered lazy, but waking up early and taking an afternoon nap is fine.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE IN FOR A LONG SERMON
10. There’s a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today’s sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
3. The choir loft is furnished with recliners.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hourglass.
1. The minister says, “You’ll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl” and it’s September.
One Liner
Optimist: “It doesn’t get any better than this!”
Pessimist: “That’s what I’m afraid of.”
IF DOGS WROTE LETTERS TO GOD…
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: How come there’s so much spaghetti and so few meatballs?
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If so, will I have to apologize?
One Liner
If you’re hard of hearing, it helps to read lips. Just don’t use one of those yellow highlighters.
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“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older man, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers?”
“Well,” replied the older man, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”
One Liner
Dictionary: The only place where success comes before work.
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