YOU KNOW YOU’RE A BAD COOK WHEN…

– You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

– You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

– Your dog goes to the neighbors’ to eat.

– When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

– Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

– Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can’t tell which is which.

– You’ve used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano, and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won’t let go of the pan.

– You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

One Liner

The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut. 

A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral.

“No problem,” the teacher told him. “Make it up the following week.” That week came, and again he couldn’t take the test due to another funeral.

“You’ll have to take the test early next week,” the professor insisted. “I can’t keep postponing it.”

“I’ll take the test next week if no one dies,” the undergrad replied.

By now I the instructor was suspicious. “How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?”

“I don’t know any of these people,” the student exclaimed. “But I’m the only gravedigger in town.”

One Liner

It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.

A 4-year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, “Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?”

“Because,” his dad explained, “after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color.”

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, “Daddy, are you talking to me?”

One Liner

I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried — but they wanted cash.

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. 

“Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?” 

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”

One Liner

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii? 

A fellow who loved to go out in his kayak whenever he could.  

One winter it was very cold, so he built a fire on a metal lined pad on the floor of the boat.  

The fire burned through the pad, causing the boat to sink.  

This proves that we cannot have our kayak and heat it, too.

One Liner

Just found out the company that produces yardsticks won’t be making them any longer.

Teacher:  Class, we are going to have a spelling bee this morning.

Teacher:  Stanley, spell “orange”.

Stanley:  Hmmm, do you mean the fruit or the color?

One Liner

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Nick lives in a subdivision that branches off the main highway.  He drives a Corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are “STOP” and “FULL SPEED.”

One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and sees a police car blocking the road.  He slams on the brakes and comes to a screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car.  The policeman, who had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said, “Mister, I’ve been waiting for you all morning…”

Nick replied “Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!”

One Liner

If poison is past its expiration date, does that mean it’s less or more poisonous?

Two airhead carpenters are nailing new siding to a house. About half of the nails that carpenter #1 pulls out of his bag of nails are tossed over his shoulder. The others are successfully used to put up the siding. 

Carpenter #2 asks, “What are you doing?!?”

The first carpenter replies, “I can’t use about half of these nails because they’re pointed in the wrong direction!”

The second carpenter tells him, “Don’t be stupid. Those are for the other side of the house!”

One Liner

Why hire someone with a divining rod to find water when a kid with new shoes will do it for free?

• “Why shouldn’t you trust a pastry chef on Valentine’s Day?” “Because he’ll dessert you.”
• “What do you give your Valentine in France?” “A big quiche.”
• “What do you tell a pig on February 14?” “Happy Valen-swine’s Day!”
• “Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?” “Yes, it’s February 14.”
• “What did the tortoise say on Valentine’s Day?” “I turt-ally love you.”
• “How did the squirrel get his Valentine’s attention?” “He acted like a nut.”
• “How do you keep a jewelry store save on Valentine’s Day?” “You locket.”
• “What do you call sweets that can keep a beat?” “Candy rappers.”
• “What do you call a romance that starts at the aquarium?” “Guppy love.”
  
  

BAAAD EXCUSES WHY MEN FORGET A GIFT ON VALENTINE’S DAY

~ The florist couldn’t find your house. Did you move?

~ I sent a candy-gram. Someone must have eaten it.

~ The Hallmark store was closed, and I didn’t want to send less than the very best.

~ I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? Google must have messed up again!

~ I didn’t know you liked jewelry.

~ I thought we would do something different this year.

~ You didn’t remind me.

One Liner

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.