HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

One Liner

Good enough is NEVER good enough.

“I’m prescribing these pills for you,” said the doctor to the overweight patient who wanted to lose weight without exercising.

“I don’t want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time.”

One Liner

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you’re likely built upside down.

Sam:  Do you know the difference between a guest towel and toilet paper?

Bob:  No…

Sam:  In that case, don’t use our bathroom.

One Liner

God says we should love everybody — but some people need to be loved from a distance.

When we were looking to buy property, an overzealous realtor showed us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. 

I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds on the property were hardly even growing. 

The smiling super salesman said, “Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze, and some good people.” 

I replied, “Yeah, I agree. But couldn’t the same thing be said of hell?”

One Liner

I am one with the universe – on a scale from one to ten. 

LEGITIMATE QUESTIONS FOR SENIORS

Question: How many days in a week? 
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday 

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime? 
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch. 

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees? 
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. 

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. 

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? 
Answer: NUTS! 

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? 
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

One Liner

You know you’ve got paranoia when you can’t think of anything that is your fault. 

A customer walks into a dress shop and ask, “May I try on that dress in the window?”

The salesperson replies, “We prefer you use the dressing rooms.”

One Liner

Text without context is pretext. 

An older man, not in the best physical condition, goes to the local gym. 

Once dressed in his exercise clothes, he approaches a trainer in the gym. “I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?” 

The trainer took one look at him and with a smile replied, “Use the ATM machine outside!” 

One Liner

The older you get, the better you realize you were. 

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday and said, “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” 

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish – on ANY land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear?”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull in the field. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer. The officer was clearly terrified.”

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”

One Liner

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters’ place.

They put up a big bold sign which read: “WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”

Not to be outdone, the old master barber put up his own sign: “WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”

One Liner

If God intended us to eat seafood, why did He hide it in the ocean?