A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

“Don’t worry,” says the guide. “I’ve never seen a ghost all the time I’ve been here”

“How long is that?” asks the girl.

“About three hundred years…”

One Liner

You never realize how little self-control you have until you’re sitting in front of chips and salsa.

A guy received a parrot as a gift.  The parrot was gorgeous, but it had a bad attitude and a filthy vocabulary.  Every word out of its beak was rude, foul, and profane.  The guy spent months trying to change the bird’s attitude: speaking only polite words, treating the bird gently, playing soft music, etc.  Nothing seemed to “clean up” the bird’s outlook or vocabulary.

Finally, the guy got fed up and yelled at the parrot.  The parrot yelled back.  He shook the parrot; it got angrier, louder, and even ruder.  In desperation, he grabbed the bird and threw it into the freezer.   For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.  Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, the guy quickly opened the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate behavior and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my bad attitude and unforgivable vocabulary.”

The guy was stunned!  Before he could reply, the bird asked carefully, “Might I ask what the chicken did?”

One Liner

When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish? 

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.
~ Read less. Makes you think.
~ Watch more TV and Netflix. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
~ Spend more time at work and on social media.
~ Stop bringing lunch from home – eat out more.
~ Get in a whole NEW rut!
~ Start being superstitious.
~ Create loose ends.
~ Get more toys.
~ Get further in debt.
~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
~ Wait for opportunity to knock.
~ Focus on the faults of others.
~ Mope about my faults.
~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One Liner

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!” 

One Liner

My new year’s resolution is to read more.  So, I’ve permanently turned on the TV subtitles.

15 EXERCISES WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2024…

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic 

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

~ Running with scissors

One Liner

My goal for 2024 is to accomplish the goals of 2023 which I should have done in 2022 because I made a promise in 2021 and planned in 2020.

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

2020: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2021: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2022: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2023: I will work out 3 days a week.

2024: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

One Liner

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.

I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir.

After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, “You sounded fine! I will have you sing a solo.”

“You mean…by myself right up front,” I asked?

“No,” he said, “I mean you should sing so low that we can’t hear you.”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive Christmastime, don’t you?

The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.

After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny’s had an odd element in it. “Johnny,” began the teacher, “I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?

“It’s the flea, teacher.”

“What flea?” she asked.

The boy faithfully replied, “The Bible verse says, ‘Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt.'”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Dexter. Dexter who? Dexter halls with boughs of holly…

During a final exam in December, one of the questions was: The value of x + x(xx) when x = 2 is: (a) 10, (b) 16, (c) 18, (d) 36, (e) 64

One of the students wrote: “God knows! I don’t. Merry Christmas!”

The exam paper came back with the prof’s notation: “God gets 100. You get zero. Happy New Year.”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Santa. Santa who? Santa Christmas card to you, did you get it?