Grandpa wonders how much 6-year-old Tommy knows about money. Just for fun, he pulls two bills from his wallet – a ten and a twenty – and asks Tommy which one he’d rather have. Tommy grins and takes the ten dollar bill. 

“Thanks, Grandpa!”

Grandpa thinks it’s kinda funny, so he does it again. Again Tommy chooses the ten-dollar bill.

Grandpa calls over Uncle Joe and says, “Watch this.” He again offers Tommy a ten and a twenty, and again Tommy chooses the ten.

Both men chuckle, and then call over Tommy’s dad. Grandpa again offers a ten and a twenty, and Tommy gleefully takes the ten.

Dad takes Tommy aside. “Son, don’t you know twenty is more than ten?”

“Sure,” says Tommy. “But if I took the twenty, Grandpa wouldn’t keep playing the game. Now I have forty dollars.”

One Liner

A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

PUNS ‘R’ US

~ A good pun is its own reword. 

~ Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. 

~ A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative. 

~ Dijon vu: The same mustard as before. 

~ Corduroy pillows are making headlines. 

~ Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 

~ A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. 

~ When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I. 

~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

~ Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

~ Acupuncture is a jab well done.

One Liner

I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. 

On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.  

After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, “Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today”   

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, “Well pastor, I don’t know much ’bout preachin’, but I do know something bout farmin’ and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I’d still feed ’em”  

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.  

The old farmer remarked, “Well pastor, I don’t know much bout preachin’, but I do know somethin’ ’bout farmin’ and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn’t give ’em the whole bale.”

One Liner

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does. 

The next day in a written test, she included this question: “My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?” 

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother.”

One Liner

I am not evil. Just divinely challenged. 

If you have ever had to wait in a doctor’s office for what it seems is like an eternity – you will appreciate this story. 

A doctor tells the story when he was having one of those days when he wondered whether he should have stayed in bed. He was running late on his appointments and had a headache.  

He got a surprise when he entered the next examining room. He opened the door with a little less than his usual enthusiasm only to find that his next patient had set him up. He had stretched out on the  examining table and taken the sheet on provided on the table and pulled it over his body and head and had stuck a sign on his chest that simply stated: “TOO LATE!”

One Liner

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. 

Introvert View:
Finally, introverts experience a world that is suited for us. All events cancelled, we don’t even have to go through the trouble of flaking out4/22/2020. No one is making random small talk or physical contact. Everybody minding their business.

Extrovert view:
Once this is all over with, I’m hugging everybody. Get ready for long, awkward hugs. I’m gonna make it weird.

One Liner

Introverts, check in on your extrovert friends. They have no idea how this works.

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?” 

“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed, “Pantyhose!”

One Liner

Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter – the living toom or the bedroom.

Two police officers, who are part of a task force, arrive at a cattle ranch.

The officers tell the rancher, “We need to inspect your ranch for illegally-grown drugs.”

The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

One of the officers verbally explodes saying, “Mister, we have the authority of the state government with us.” 

Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer, “See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the two officers running for their lives and close behind is the rancher’s bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs:

“Your badges! Show him your badges!”

One Liner

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

An old wild west fort was about to be attacked. The wily old general sent for his trusty Sioux scout.

“You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here.”

The trusty scout laid down and put his ear to the ground.

“Large war party,” he said, “maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint; Many many guns. Medicine man also with them.”

“Good grief!” exclaimed the general, “you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?”

“No,” replied the Indian, “I can see under the gate.”

One Liner

A kiss is a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one.

A company owner was asked a question, “How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?”

He smiled & replied, “It’s simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.”

One Liner

One minute you’re young and fun. Next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.