LETTER FROM COLLEGE…

Dear Dad, 

$chool i$ really great. I’ve made lot$ of friend$ and am $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. 

Love, your $on 

REPLY FROM DAD…. 

Dear Son, 

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study hard eNOugh. 

Love, Dad.

One Liner

Did you know that Adam and Eve were the first couple to not read and understand the fine print on their Apple contract?

The priest said, “Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.” 

Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her, ‘Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two  words.” 

Sister Mary said, “Hard bed.”  

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the priest said, “We will get you a better bed.” 

After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest: “You may say another two words, Sister Mary.” 

“Cold food,” said Sister Mary, and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. 

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister Mary in to his office. “You may say two words today.” 

“I quit,” said Sister Mary. “It’s probably best,” said the priest, “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

One Liner

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income. 

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said “Your successor won’t be as good as you.”

“Nonsense,” said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

“No, really,” said the old lady, “I’ve been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last.”

One Liner

Doctors got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the results were staggering.

A sailor didn’t like anything he saw in the mess/food line, so he just picked up a large piece of chocolate cake. The cook asked, “Is that all you’re gonna eat?”

The sailor said, “Yeah, the rest of it doesn’t look too appetizing.”

The cook smiled and said, “Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?”

The sailor said, “Yeah, man, I’d appreciate it!”

The cook leaned over and cut the sailor’s piece of cake in half.

One Liner

Dave lost his wife’s audiobook, and now he’ll never hear the end of it.

Q&A ABOUT RETIREMENT

Question:  When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer:  Three hours after falling asleep on the couch.

Question:  How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:  Only one, but it might take all day.

Question:  What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:  There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:  Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:  The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question:  What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:  NUTS!

Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer:  They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:  Normal.

Question:  What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question:  Why do retirees often say they don’t miss work, but miss the people they used to work with?
Answer:  They are too polite to tell the whole truth.

One Liner

A bald man got a great deal on a wig today – only $1! It was a small price toupee.

Daughter: Alexa, play Let It Go.

Dad: When I was your age, I had to call a radio station, wait on hold for 30 minutes to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour for my song to play with a blank cassette tape so I could record it. 

Daughter: I don’t understand any of that.

One Liner

Looking to comfort a friend of mine who struggles with grammar, I patted her arm gently and said, “There, they’re, their.”

A handyman was working for a temple in Allentown, PA, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.

First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question.

The priest asked, “Where was Jesus born?”

The man answered, “Pittsburgh,” and was shown the door.

He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question.

He was asked, “Where was Jesus born?”

The man answered, “Philadelphia.”

He was dismissed.

Walking away, he encountered the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, “The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately.”

The man said to the rabbi, “I will come back only if you answer a question. Where was Jesus born?

The rabbi says, “Bethlehem.”

“HA!,” cries the man. “I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania.”

One Liner

My goal is to have $50,000 by the end of February. I already got $3.03.

While a woman was out of town, a neighbor came to borrow a fancy pie pan.  Of course the woman’s husband was happy to lend it to her.

The pie pan was returned a few days later filled with an apple pie.  

When the woman asked her husband where the pie came from, he told her about the loan and explained: “Our neighbor said she never returns something without filling it up.”

“Good!” the woman replied. “You should let her borrow our checkbook.”

One Liner

Just went over my bank account and figured out I can live comfortably if I quit my job, without working the rest of my life, as long as I die on Friday.

While a woman was out of town, a neighbor came to borrow a fancy pie pan.  Of course the woman’s husband was happy to lend it to her.

The pie pan was returned a few days later filled with an apple pie.  

When the woman asked her husband where the pie came from, he told her about the loan and explained: “Our neighbor said she never returns something without filling it up.”

“Good!” the woman replied. “You should let her borrow our checkbook.”

One Liner

Just went over my bank account and figured out I can live comfortably if I quit my job, without working the rest of my life, as long as I die on Friday.

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the girl a quarter and a dollar for church. “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl.

Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.

“Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so that’s what I did.”

One Liner

Just when you think you’ve won the rat race, along come faster rats.