A fellow who loved to go out in his kayak whenever he could.
One winter it was very cold, so he built a fire on a metal lined pad on the floor of the boat.
The fire burned through the pad, causing the boat to sink.
This proves that we cannot have our kayak and heat it, too.
One Liner
Just found out the company that produces yardsticks won’t be making them any longer.
Teacher: Class, we are going to have a spelling bee this morning.
Teacher: Stanley, spell “orange”.
Stanley: Hmmm, do you mean the fruit or the color?
One Liner
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Nick lives in a subdivision that branches off the main highway. He drives a Corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are “STOP” and “FULL SPEED.”
One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and sees a police car blocking the road. He slams on the brakes and comes to a screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car. The policeman, who had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said, “Mister, I’ve been waiting for you all morning…”
Nick replied “Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!”
One Liner
If poison is past its expiration date, does that mean it’s less or more poisonous?
Two airhead carpenters are nailing new siding to a house. About half of the nails that carpenter #1 pulls out of his bag of nails are tossed over his shoulder. The others are successfully used to put up the siding.
Carpenter #2 asks, “What are you doing?!?”
The first carpenter replies, “I can’t use about half of these nails because they’re pointed in the wrong direction!”
The second carpenter tells him, “Don’t be stupid. Those are for the other side of the house!”
One Liner
Why hire someone with a divining rod to find water when a kid with new shoes will do it for free?
BAAAD EXCUSES WHY MEN FORGET A GIFT ON VALENTINE’S DAY
~ The florist couldn’t find your house. Did you move?
~ I sent a candy-gram. Someone must have eaten it.
~ The Hallmark store was closed, and I didn’t want to send less than the very best.
~ I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? Google must have messed up again!
~ I didn’t know you liked jewelry.
~ I thought we would do something different this year.
~ You didn’t remind me.
One Liner
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
THE VALENTINE’S DAY TEN COMMANDMENTS
I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt have no other squeeze before me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth her behind her back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy–or else.
IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are just too weird.
V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily or cause undue embarrassment when I am with thee.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it least you be smitten from the earth.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in the bath, nor use my credit cards.
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house without first puttin’ down the remote and learnin’ how to use a paintbrush!
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s main Squeeze, nor his son, nor his daughter, nor his stereo, nor his BMW, nor anything else that belongs to thy neighbor.
One Liner
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus flight, a boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, “Well, how was that?”
The airplane pilot answers: “Very impressive, but now have a look here!”
The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, “Well, what are you saying now?”
The jet pilot asks confused: “What did you do?”
The other laughs and says, “I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake.”
One Liner
Greg went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
Can’t get away for a ski vacation? Just do this:
* Buy a pair of expensive gloves and immediately throw one away.
* Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button, and let the spray blast your face.
* Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $100 dollar bills to warm up.
* Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
There. Now just sit down and wait for Spring.
One Liner
Do two normal people make one paranormal?
CAR CLASSIFIED AD CLAIMS
If the car ad claims . . . what it really means
~ rough condition . . . too bad to lie about
~ parts car . . . beyond repair
~ immaculate . . . recently washed
~ engine quiet . . . if you use 90-weight oil
~ needs minor overhaul . . . needs engine
~ needs major overhaul . . . phone the junkyard
~ burns no oil . . . it all leaked out
~ rebuilt engine . . . cleaned the spark plugs
~ drive it away . . . I live on a hill
~ drive it anywhere . . . within 10 miles
~ desirable classic . . . no one wants it
~ rare classic . . . no one wanted it even when it was new
~ stored 20 years . . . in a farmer’s field
~ ran when stored . . . won’t start
One Liner
I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
mikeshumor 