Mom No. 1: How do you get your sleepy-head son up in the morning?
Mom No. 2: I just put the cat on the bed.
Mom No. 1: How does that help?
Mom No. 2: The dog’s already there.

One Liner

I don’t think I’ll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother’s Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.

A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in Hawaii.

He sent an email to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions. 

The reply came back shortly: “Begin vacation as of yesterday.”

One Liner

That moment when your steak is on the grill and you can already feel your mouth watering. Do vegans feel the same way when mowing the lawn?

I went skydiving today for the first time.

This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane.

As we plummeted he said, “So how long have you been an instructor?”

One Liner

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So, remember…don’t sing.

“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it.  Can you give me an example of one?”

“Sure,” a teenage boy replied.  “My father’s new car.”

One Liner

Yesterday I fixed up my hair and makeup and saw no one. Today I looked like Jack Nicholson in the Shining and saw all the people I know. All of them.

The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher entered Plymouth Church on Sunday and found several letters waiting for him.  He opened one and found it contained the single word, “Fool!”  To the congregation on Sunday he said: “I have known many an instance of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the first instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.

One Liner

Cardboard belts are a waist of paper.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”  He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.

Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”

One Liner

Hmmm … I just found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke off of something, but I have no idea what. Better save it in the junk drawer until I die.

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.

One turned to the other and said, “You know why I’m going to win this election? Because of my ‘personal touch.’ For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me.”

“Oh, is that so?” replied the other. “I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you.”

One Liner

Lemonade is the only fruit drink where 100% juice is not desirable.

Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbor wandered over and asked – from a distance – if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the gentleman, “my son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date. He’ll be taking the car out soon to pick up the girl.”

“So what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.

“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”

One Liner

When will all the rhetorical questions end? 

The passenger tapped the Uber driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the car, then the driver said, “Look mister, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, “You’re right. I’m sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 15 years.”

One Liner

I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

There was this guy who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.  His friend suggested he see a doctor to have his legs checked out.

The guy refused. . . said his friend was crazy.

But he finally went and, sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was shorter than his right!

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later he was cured; both legs were exactly the same length and he didn’t lean left anymore.

His friend said, “You didn’t believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg.”

The guy said: “I stand corrected.”

One Liner

Getting a hair stuck in your mouth has to be a million times more gross when you’re bald.