“Yes, Theo, what is it?” asked the teacher.

“I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I don’t get better grades, someone was going to be in big trouble.”

One Liner

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space.

Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

“Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?” yelled an irate man.

She rolled down her window and yelled back, “What makes you think these are all mine?”

One Liner

Stephen King has a brother named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is.

If I lock my keys in my car, all I have to do is call OnStar and they unlock my car.

If the car is stolen, they can lock all the doors and trap the thief in the car.

Whenever my wife tells me she is taking the car to go shopping, I call OnStar and tell them my car has been stolen.

One Liner

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,523 days in a row.

“Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”

“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

One Liner

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes laughing stock. That’s humerus.

A man feels very ill upon returning to the U.S. from a trip abroad. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. 

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an exceptionally dangerous virus that is extremely contagious!” 

“Oh my gosh,” cries the man in a panic, “What are you going to do?!”

Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.” 

“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, “No, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.

One Liner

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He is a Singer song writer. Or sew it seams.

I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver’s license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me.

I replied, “I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?”

She said, “Why didn’t you get a haircut before you came here?”

I replied, “I didn’t need one before I got here!”

One Liner

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts.

Finally one said, “What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?”

The other boy replied thoughtfully, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too.”

One Liner

If anyone wants to sponsor me, I’m doing a 0.0000000025km run to raise awareness for laziness.

Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:

“Oh Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that naughty Peck boy!”

Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust.

“Say, ma,” he objected, “do I look as if I had been playing with anybody?”

One Liner

Learning a new language is kind of like uploading subtitles into your head.

A fisherman is walking from the pier carrying lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets.  Every day I come and whistle and these lobsters jump out of the water.  I take them for a walk and then return them.”

The warden is highly skeptical, so the fisherman says, “If you don’t believe me just watch!” and throws the lobsters into the water.

The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me how they jump out of the water.”

The fisherman says, “What lobsters?”

One Liner

I enjoy the simple little pleasures in life, but every once in a while I want a big, expensive one, too.

Several years ago there was an office intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”

“Just use the copier machine paper,” she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

One Liner

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. The optimist sees the light at the end tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees three nincompoops standing on the tracks.