A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”
His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”
The man goes, “Are my children here?”
“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
“Are my other relatives also here?”
And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”
The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?”
One Liner
Heard a rumor about peanut butter…don’t want to spread it.
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”
His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”
The man goes, “Are my children here?”
“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
“Are my other relatives also here?”
And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”
The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?”
One Liner
I have a million-dollar figure — but it’s all loose change.
Joe’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.
“Hey, wait a minute!” Joe interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”
One Liner
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news, “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979!”
“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.”
One Liner
When they finish a new hive, bees have a house swarming party.
LORD, PROP US UP
Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old deacon who always prayed, “Lord, prop us up on our leanin’ side.”
After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently.
He answered, “Well sir, you see, it’s like this…I got an old barn out back. It’s been there a long time. It’s withstood a lot of weather. It’s gone through a lot of storms, and it’s stood for many years. It’s still standing, but one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn’t fall.
“Then I got to thinking ’bout that and how much I was like that old barn. I been around a long time, I’ve withstood a lot of life’s storms, I’ve withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I’ve withstood a lot of hard times, and I’m still standing, too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leanin’ side, ’cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning, at times.”
One Liner
Love is lovely when it’s easy, but much truer when it’s hard.
My husband Brian is a computer systems administrator. He is dedicated to his job and works long hours, rarely taking time off for meals.
One afternoon, Brian was overwhelmed with solving computer network problems, so I decided to deliver a meal for him to eat at his workstation.
When I was getting ready to leave, I said good-bye and reminded him to eat his burger and fries while they were still warm.
Staring at his monitor, he waved me away. “Don’t worry,” he said, obviously distracted, “I’ll delete them in a few minutes.”
One Liner
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother asked him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
He said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”
The mother smiled and said, “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark. Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”
The boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”
“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called: “Jesus? Would you please hand me the broom?”
One Liner
You can distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.
A customer walks into a dress shop and ask, “May I try on that dress in the window?”
The salesperson replies, “We prefer you use the dressing rooms.”
One Liner
Text without context is pretext.
Cop: You know how fast you were going?
Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.
Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.
Guy: Yea, that’s how far behind I am.
One Liner
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
One Sunday a minister preached about shepherds. He explained that sheep need lots of guidance, and that a shepherd’s job is to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals, and keep them from wandering off. He said that the people of the church were God’s sheep. Then he asked, “If you are the sheep, who is the shepherd?” (He was pretty obviously indicating himself.)
After a few seconds, a young boy piped up: “Jesus! Jesus is the shepherd.”
The minister, caught by surprise, asked, “Well, then, who am I?”
The boy frowned thoughtfully. “I guess you must be a sheep dog.”
One Liner
Strangers are friends you havent bled for an easy twenty yet.
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