Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

“I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.”

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”

One Liner

When I was a kid, I wanted to be older
this is not what I expected.

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain
basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked.

“135,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”

“5 foot 4,” I said.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took
my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

One Liner

“If you must curse, use your own name.” God

A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest.

After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If you don’t go, I’ll be the only woman there.”

Dad shrugged. “If I go, you’ll still be the only woman there.”

One Liner

Archeologists just announced that they found a mass grave of snowmen. Turned out just to be a field of carrots.

07Seeing a homeless guy begging on the street, a woman took pity on him and gave him a handful of change.

“Thank you,” said the homeless man. “Your generosity is much appreciated. You know my life used to be great, but just look at the state of me now.”

“How do you mean?” asked the woman. 

“Well,” he explained. “I was a multi-millionaire. I had bank accounts all over the world with hundreds of thousands of dollars deposited in each.”

“So where did it all go wrong?” she asked. 

The homeless man sighed, “I forgot my mother’s maiden name.”

One Liner

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go around Earth 24/7. So, they decided to call it a day.

When my now 14-year-old daughter was 3 and her younger brother was getting into everything, she asked, “Mommy, can we put him back, now?” 

Deciding to take this opportunity as a teaching moment in how siblings should treat each other, I explained to her that we could not put him back – that her brother was a gift from God.  

She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and responded, “I understand, Mommy. God didn’t want him either.”

One Liner

Anyone remember the good ol’ day, before Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter? When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends’ houses to show them the picture of your dinner. No? Me either.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker.

“Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?” the guy asks.

“Yep, real as can be.” the bartender replies.

“Well is he any good?” the guy asks. 

“Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail.”

One Liner

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

In his Sunday sermon, the minister used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. 

Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear. 

“Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” 

“I don’t have any.” 

“Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?” 

“One hundred and one.”  

“Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world.” 

The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, “I outlived every one of them!”

One Liner

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? 98

A young seminary student went home for Christmas break. A horrible snowstorm stranded the regular minister in another town. The leaders of the congregation asked the young man to substitute for the regular minister. 

The young preacher started his sermon by explaining the meaning of a substitute. “If you break a window,” he said, “and then place a piece of plywood over the hole — that’s a substitute.” 

After the sermon, a well-intentioned woman wished to compliment the young man. As she enthusiastically shook his hand, she said: “You were no substitute. You were a real pane.” 

One Liner

My new year’s resolution is to read more.  So, I’ve permanently turned on the TV subtitles.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes,” the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

One Liner

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!” 

One Liner

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions.