A herd of buffalo were grazing on the range when a tourist said, “Those are the mangiest, scroungiest beasts I have ever seen.”

One buffalo turned to the other and said, “You know…I think I just heard a discouraging word.”

One Liner

If you tear a hole in a net, you have fewer holes than you started with.

A man goes into the doctor. He says, “Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!”

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh only to hear, “Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks.”

“I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?” the doctor asked.

“That’s nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee.”

The doctor put his ear to the man’s knee and heard it say, “Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!”

“Sir, I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never seen anything like this.” The doctor was dumbfounded.

“Wait Doc, that’s not it. There’s more, just put your ear up to my ankle,” the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, “Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will.”

“I have no idea what to tell you,” the doctor said. “There’s nothing about it in my books,” he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. “I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places.”

One Liner

I made a huge to-do list today.  I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs $500.”

“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.

The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

“That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to build websites.”

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

“That one costs $2,000.”

“And what does that one do?” the man asked.

The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss.”

One Liner

I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.

Doug went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having trouble reading the newspaper. “Now that you’re over 40,” the doctor told him, “you’ve developed a condition called ‘presbyopia,’ in which the lens of your eye can no longer focus as well as it used to.”

Seeing his worried look, the doctor tried to be upbeat. “Congratulations!” he said. “You’re now officially a presbyope!”

Doug leaned over and asked seriously, “If that means I’m no longer a Roman Catholic, do I still have to go to Confession?”

One Liner

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in the group? Just look for the grey hares.

TRUTHS ABOUT CHILDREN

– A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

– An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

– A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

– Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

– Having children will turn you into your parents.

– If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

– Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.

One Liner

I lost my job at the bank on the very first day. A customer asked me to check his balance and I pushed him over.

A woman answered the phone; it was a salesman calling from a mortgage company.

He: “Do you have a second mortgage on your home?”   

She: “No.”

He: “Would you like to consolidate all your debts?”   

She: “I really don’t have any debts.”

He: “How about freeing up cash for home improvements?”

She: “I don’t need any.  I just recently had some done and paid cash.”

…brief silence…

He: “Are you looking for a husband?”

One Liner

An Illinois man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart. I think I will formally declare my lawsuit against Thin Mints.

Fresh out of seminary, a young pastor found an associate position at a prestigious church. One Sunday early on, he was given the opportunity to preach. He prepared diligently – perhaps a bit too excited to use all the learning he’d acquired – and worked hard to make his words eloquent and smooth.

Shaking hands at the end of the service, he was approached by one of the older ladies who was known and respected in both the church and community.

“Sir,” she said with a smile, “your sermon was like the peace of God!”

The young preacher’s grin widened and his chest puffed a bit … until she continued on, “it surpassed ALL understanding!”

One Liner

My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

An antelope and a lion entered a diner and took a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, “I’ll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes.”

“And what would your friend have?”

“Nothing,” replied the antelope. 

The waiter persisted, “Isn’t he hungry?”

“Hey, if he were hungry,” said the antelope, “would I be sitting here?”

One Liner

I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.

WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE

~ Leave the photocopier set to “reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.”

~ Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

~ Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

~ Sing along at the opera.

~ Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

~ Staple papers in the middle of the page.

~ Honk and wave to strangers.

~ Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

~ TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

~ Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

~ Go to a poetry recital and after each poem ask why it doesn’t rhyme.

One Liner

Here’s the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.

WORDS YOU WON’T FIND IN THE DICTIONARY

1) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

2) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

3) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

4) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

5) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

6) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

7) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

One Liner

One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says, “Smell this,” it usually smells nice.